Close to a Year

“Time Flies When You’re Having Fun” is an often quoted statement. In a way, I completely agree. Life has been chaotic, amazing, trying, exciting and sometimes just plain busy. It’s been almost an entire year since I’ve last written. Even just a mediocre sparse update about how I’m ‘busy’ but good overall. I think there is probably a multitude of reasons for this sabbatical. Some of which are; I got even busier with less down time during 2015.

My class homework with WildernessFusion became even more time-consuming than previous.

Shaun moving to Alaska and living together meant I was naturally busier with more outside social things and have had less drive to write.

Time sped up. My days have been constantly fuller be it work, people or just trying to catch up. Time seems to be moving quickly and often at a rate that I sometimes find hard to stay present with. Working multiple jobs often feels like this to me.

Some days there simply isn’t enough time for all the things. The phone calls that have to be made by 1pm because of the time differences, the bank/business/store errands that have to be done before they all close – but working later into the day means there is only a couple of hours to get to everywhere at the most traffic dense time of the day.

In addition to all the practical reasons, I’ve also been struggling with ‘what’ to write. Often I simply don’t want to share what’s been on my mind because it’s not always happy or nice – and/or I don’t have the energy to create an ‘adventure’ and ‘fun’ post with all the details and all the cool pictures (which takes hours to sift through, reduced the top choices to a more reasonable number that I can again try to trim so I don’t spend just 24 hours alone uploading large picture files) that while I love when I can crank one of those out for all that want to know what I’m up too – sometimes the mental energy just isn’t there (which has been a lot in the last 2 years). I often have the image that I’m pathetic and shallow if I openly discuss whatever challenges and trials are happening in my life when I also have all these amazing things going on.

Simply stating this feels a little gross, I’m sharing the stuff that I dislike about myself and are my ‘reasons’ for not writing or posting picture adventure posts. But Alas I want to work on my writing and this is one of the few avenues that I can seem to find some words in.

It’s 5:30am here and I’ve yet to sleep much. Shaun and I both have today off and there is a list of things to be done, hikes to be had, dogs to be walked and our lives to be lived. Something I actually enjoy more often than not these days.

~ J

Moving, ideas and thoughts?

So it is official, I have to move out. Now the question is (besides when of course) is where exactly I will ultimately move to? Dare I stay in state to keep my rather low paying job that I really like but has no benefits beside that River works with me? Or do I move on to Seattle where I’ve my aunt Michele (purple auntie) and friends including Reuben? Or do I end up somewhere else entirely? Oh the questions and the things I have to figure out/decide. It’s maddening. I’ve to move possibly by January 1st or more likely by end of January. Just depends on the landlord. So if it is sooner I may have to take some you nice people in Anchorage up on your offers to aid me. River and I really don’t take up much room and aren’t picky. But I know from previous experience that many are not okay sharing a couch or floor past a day or two if at all.

I do like my job, and love it here but I am also very tired of struggling with Alaska’s housing issue and the lack of decent doctors. I know for a fact that Seattle is on of the best places in the states for medical things and I would have the ability to maybe get to the bottom of my immune problems and maybe even have a plan for my back. There would also be more therapists who might know what to do with me. Having a family member in the same town to drag my ass around if need be would also be wonderful. Not to mention a bit easier to visit family and have them visit me. But again, I kinda like Alaska, I mean that is why I am here… But maybe some changes need to happen I just don’t know.

Dad seems more comfortable with me either staying in Alaska where his lifelong friends can be of help or have me back on the East Coast. For some reason he seems rather against Seattle. I have a thought that it may be because he is assuming that I am considering it because of Reuben who moved there in August. But while it’s great that Reuben is where I am thinking of moving, I can assure you that if he lived in Texas or somewhere I wouldn’t move to, I wouldn’t go. End of story. So Seattle has multiple reasons. Besides relocating altogether I don’t actually have a good reason NOT to move to Seattle. So should I move out of state, it will 98% likely be Seattle. I know that many of the problems I am currently having here in Anchorage I will have wherever I go, housing, friends who don’t give a shit about you, medical bills and difficult choices. Jobs that don’t pay you enough or give you what you really need. And of course all the crap I deal within myself on a daily basis. I rather hate decisions like these where there is NOT a best answer or even ideal. It has been a year since I laid eyes on my horses, brothers and sister and every family member besides those in Bethel and Grammy Gail. With the travel prices I won’t see them anytime soon. Alaska does feel like home though. I am torn. I am also in dilemma of how to trust me ‘gut’ and emotions since I pretty much shredded any faith I ever had about well..anything since my life ended and survival started. For starters I am most interested in what will make me feel the most okay and what I can stomach if it turns out to be the wrong decision. Probably not an ideal way to make ones choices in life but I do what I can.

So input is greatly appreciated. Particularly where I am questioning my rational mind.

I will update when I know the date I have to move by. ~J

And…I might be homeless soon

Yet again I find myself in the peril of being possibly homeless. One of my two roomies moved back in with her parents the end of November. Since mid November other roomie and I have been searching for a roommate to no avail. It seems finding a reliable roommate right before the Holidays is not easy at all. At first we had an idea of who we wanted to live with, now it’s whoever can pay in January and isn’t a creeper. Still. It’s not looking good. We cannot pay everything yet again with just the two of us.. meaning in January River and I would be homeless (but at least have a car this time..) AGAIN. Damn I have horrible time with this. Maybes I am meant to live in the woods, though decidedly not during an Alaskan winter…

SO, if anyone in the Anchorage area know someone who is looking to rent a really nice room, in a really nice house in a really nice part of Anchorage (complete with a garage) please let me know. Otherwise anyone okay with couch surfing? Hostels don’t take dogs or I wouldn’t ask at all.

I’ve been on the fence with how much longer I planned on staying in Alaska, but this not at all how I envisioned making a decision. But I guess we don’t get to choose much in life, only how we are going to deal with the storm. Even worse case being I’m homeless in 2 weeks and everyone turns their noses up at lending a hand, I really want to leave my job on excellent terms..meaning I’d want to give at least a months notice. Not to mention I’m going to have a hell of a time saying goodbye to me dogs.  So I’m by no means going anywhere. It’s just all up in the air.

I was thinking of Seattle if I chose to relocate in the next 6 months. Thoughts? Course it might not be summer time and planned anymore… I’ve my amazing aunt Michele who lives in Seattle with her husband Dave. I have quite a few Tracker and Coyote Tracks mates in the greater Seattle area. Also, one of my best friends from here in Alaska – Reuben now lives in Seattle. So I not without people there. And family is a little more accessible there then Bethel to Anchorage. Which would be quite nice. But I don’t know. I like Anchorage too, even if the city and people have been difficult as of late.

J

A ReRemembered fact about my life ~ Not for the faint of heart.

I came to a realization the other day. From friends telling me I’ve said this before means that I have actually had this revelation more than once.. but each time due to my memory loss it’s like the first time. Not terribly fun but I guess I at least have the memories that I’ve forgotten, they are just buried and someone or something has to trigger them to come up again. Anyway, back to my realization of a revelation that I’ve had more than once. The people I am attracted too are all some kinda messed up. Even when I purposely date someone with a very different personality just to get away from my past bad choices I find out that I’ve just found another messed up person and it really is me who is picking the messed up, shallow and soulless guys. Awesome.

I’ve had all kinds of immature little boys who have no clue about..well anything. I seem to find those guys who want to be “friends” and call you whenever they need a friend. But as for a real relationship at the time he says he likes his life of singledom and don’t want anything serious – only to find that ‘serious’ one a few weeks later. So it’s not a case of not wanting to date, it’s a case of not wanting to date ME. Would be so nice if he could just man up and TELL me he isn’t into me. But they never do. Fuckers.

I get all kinds of nice guys who want to date me, but I’m just not their kind of girl. I don’t want to get married. I’m not religious and I’m not going to their church even if Hell freezes over. I don’t want kids. I don’t want a goddamned white picket fence in the suburbs. I don’t actually like family functions (I barely survive my own) why the hell would I want to have dinner with his family EVERY Sunday??? Nice guy material I am not. Hell most of the ‘nice’ guys run away when they realize I really am a redheaded heathen their Godsfearing mothers warned them about. But whats more is I’m not even very good at finding nice guys, I find assholes and ‘little’ boys and party animals. Now I do think most women have similar problems. But I know most haven’t made the seriously worse decision of the their lives that one just is not going to get over. In fact I’m still trying to figure out how I’m actually supposed to live with this.

I fell in love with a Psychopath.

Dexter the serial killer (TV show) is a hero and I found his older brother. All of my bad choices just don’t measure up now. I mean I’ve continued down this road of bad decisions. After my Psychopath I found my delusional  Addict. After Brad I’ve just opted to not date (or live with) anyone since. I’ve had a few ‘maybes’ in Alaska, but usually it turns out they have a harder time dealing with life then I do. So I feel like I’d just be repeating history. The people I’m attracted to have just as many if not more problems than I do. They are recovering alcoholics. They have a past history of drug, sex and a few other addictions. If that isn’t bad enough, the ones that I get more than a little concerned with is the Schizophrenia types, the mental illnesses and the more horrifying signs of psychopathic tendencies (yes there has been more than one).

Not getting into the deep and dark reality of what my amazing ability to find -the scum of the earth to attempt relations with – has changed me, How can I trust anyone and more importantly how do I trust myself that I’m not just following the path straight to loony land (again). So being single sounds like a really intelligent plan for well the rest of my life. Course my heart has other ideas. But I really don’t think I should take it seriously or follow it.

Everyone (yes I mean everyone) is very quick to tell me I can’t let my Psychopath change me, can’t let him influence my life, make my decisions by him..bla blah. REALLY? I mean lets just think for a second (even though you haven’t a prayer of actually knowing what it’s like) what if you had loved an insane killer. Not just someone who HAD a screwed up past, or beat you, or any other fucked up thing people often do to each other. But a Psychopath who killed your Mom? Please do tell how you would continue your so-called life?  I’ve got a very obvious answer, a lot of people simply wouldn’t. So don’t crucify me that I’m horribly changed by my terribly heinous choices. Just be fucking happy I’m here (you could always try supporting me too). The more people I meet who are just really FUCKED up by things that I now don’t even notice with my own crap pile life experiences, the more I realize whatever kind of life I live; if I don’t go insane, hurt anyone (like for real not just with my crazy words) and don’t end up in another messed up relationship  I’m a freak of nature. So I have C-PTSD, insomnia and anxiety, oh and serious relationship issues. Go me. At least I’m single and not dating a mafia crack dealer (the money might nice though – Chinese every night!) and I remember (sorta) why I’m so screwed up in the first place. Not to mention really not boasting that much medication (some stuff to help me sleep and for my back)- no SSR’s for me.

Every time I remember this wonderful fact of my life I can’t help but wonder what exactly I’m supposed to do with it? No one likes it when I talk about it. My family like to pretend that I wasn’t actually in love with the Fucker. My friends give me empty shallow words and occasionally try to empathize (in which case I promptly shut up so I don’t insult them too much with their stupid assumptions and retarded rationalizations). So I tell River and read books about fictional characters who are more messed up than me (it’s really hard to find real ones) and sometimes write about it on here. Though now I’ll probably get phone calls about my state of mind. Oh well. Lets worry about the things we can’t change instead of the ones we can.

My wonderful Brothers

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of the kids (my siblings). In my mind I usually refer to them as the ‘boys and Janna’ or just “My Brothers” now Janna is included in this statement of ‘My Brothers’ since it’s in my mind. But when speaking aloud I always try to make sure I refer to her as my ‘sister’ since I know how hard it can be surrounded by too many boys and just being overlooked. I love each kid (young and grown) blood or not and would happily set anyone who thinks there is a difference due to biology between us straight (and none to nice either). In this post I’m talking about my ‘brothers’ and not the ‘kids’ because I’m mostly referring to Jackie, Jeremy and a bit of Jesse.

With the younger children I have a more mentor/caregiver relationship than a traditional big sister. I suspect this will change as they continue to grow and find themselves. Hopefully both sides can ease into this new way of being gracefully… With Jackie and Jeremy and more in the middle with Jesse, I have a much more “older” sister relationship than feeling like I need to take care of them. And for the most part I can rein in my – oldest child – must protect the kids – feelings and just treat them more as equals (or as much as the oldest sister can..) when we spend time together. I still find the need to delegate since I usually know what they should be doing or not doing…but even that I have tried to give them a chance first. And since they still speak to me and send me Birthday cards I guess I haven’t completely failed *smile*.

I miss my Brothers (Jackie, Jeremy & Jesse(littles too just in a different way)) quite often. We always were very close knit group. But  right after Mom was killed; which usually brings people closer or drives them apart, we no longer had the usual ‘sibling rivalry’ that most large families have. I don’t know how it was when I wasn’t around, but for me no one talked bad about my Brothers (littles too) even if they were right in what they were saying. Because I knew deep down, my wonderful Brothers were trying their damnedest to do what was right. But how can one not screw up in such a time? Sometimes Jeremy would leaves the house for days leaving me with a bunch of kids I couldn’t help, a Father who couldn’t help himself, a cousin who shouldn’t have been there and Jackie who couldn’t control his emotions let lone help. As much as their lashes at me hurt, I never once blamed them. I couldn’t. They were my Brothers. And until the day our world ended they were still little boys, coming into being young men. Neither had more than a summer job, both were still in high school (poor Jackie graduated shortly after she was killed) their lives of teenage boys was in full swing and nowhere near to dealing with the younger kids or the farm. So even with their hurtful words and actions, once the kids were in bed and I’d cleaned (probably alone) for the day. I put all the hurts and unfairness away and sat by the fire they had made out front under the big tree listening to whomever’s car was parked nearby playing music and just be with them. Often little was said. Sometimes a lot was said in a few words. Under the grief of what had happened, there was a more real fear of loosing another one of us. Somebody overcome by it all and forgetting that we still needed him/her (god knows we all faced that demon once or twice that summer). So while the words were short and to the point, the was an awareness of the group of us as a whole. When someone was particularly having a bad spell (not that it was easy to tell sometimes, were all pretty strong and don’t let our pain burden the others) without words we knew and in each his own way made sure that the one feeling dark knew that we knew and were there to do what we could.  Everybody watched everyone’s backs. Very rarely did anyone go anywhere alone, and if someone was in distress most the time everyone came with.

Later after summer we all very busy, making choices, trying to figure out where to go and what to do. But every time I got to hang out with My brothers, I felt the closeness of our love for each other and that regardless of what was going on, we always made sure the other ones were okay. And all this time we hardly talked about the day when the world ended. Because even though we wanted to help one another, we didn’t know how to in the face of our own pain. And even knowing that, we still had each other to make sure everyone was okay. All of us helpless to what our world had cruelly done to us, loved each other enough that even when everything was unknown and the world crumbling we still had each other.

When I first moved away from the Farm I was very worried that the older kids would hate me for walking out on them, and that the younger kids would feel like their only caregiver was leaving them. I felt so selfish for making my decisions to move. I had tried and tried to help the kids, help with the farm and house. But in family politics I was voted as unworthy to raise the kids and run the house and help overseeing the farm. So other than being there, as part of the problem, I left. The Little kids hated me for a while. Some may still. Jackie and Jeremy seem to understand and didn’t harbor ill feelings (none that they showed me anyway). But even after that whole mess, my Brothers they were. Worried, but still they loved me and came to visit and made a point to see me.

This year for my Birthday Jackie sent me the most amazing card. And Jeremy (with his wonderful girlfriend’s “El”  help) sent me a few small gifts that only people who know me would understand.  The kids in their own ways sent me hand written (and come crafted) cards with the important things they wanted to tell me (Birthdays have always been a big family thing in the past). I cried when I opened my box of 12 letters.  (I really don’t cry much)

I miss them more than I can find words to express. And I hate, HATE that life is as such that with wanting to see them with all my heart, I can’t go back to the farm. It kills me inside just to write that sentence. And before I get outraged questions of why I can’t go back, let me explain that I am the reason I can’t go back yet. I don’t think I could handle it and still be the person they deserve to see. My guilt for not being able to see them because of me shreds my heart. I hate myself for not being strong enough to deal with the memories so I can see my family. I can only hope that one day soon I will be able to. Because my Brothers are the best, they mean the world to me (littles too), I’d do anything I could possibly make myself do for them. Hence why I feel just fucking awful for not being strong enough to make myself go back for a visit.  I’m the one failing them here.

I hope they can forgive me in time, I don’t know that I can forgive myself so I would understand. Because they are my world. They are all I have left that won’t just drift away as times change. And I love them. They’re my Brothers.

I am now an emotion mess after trying to get this bit of writing to make sense from my distraught mind…

I am what I am

Lately I have gotten the vibe that the way I am is not really liked by people (I’m sure part of it is just me..). Whether its work, friends, family, random people at the store or at the bar; I get asked ALL the time, ‘whats your problem’, ‘why the long face?’ (I don’t have a smile plastered to my face 24/7), ‘why here alone’ and all sorts of wonderful silly things. People at work think it’s odd that I don’t talk about myself. I sometimes will make myself say a random fact about my life just to ease the thought that I hate them and don’t want to talk to anyone. My clients think I’m great so my people skills aren’t that terrible (I hope). People at work say that I’m weird and different because I never talk about myself, I don’t gossip, I don’t give a shit about the latest drama or new finding about something that has nothing to do with me. I just listen. I don’t have an opinion on things outside of my job at work. Frankly it is none of my coworkers business what I think about things in my personal life. I just want to do my job to the best of my abilities. People at work confide in me all the time because they know I won’t repeat what they need to get off their chest nor pass judgement even if I completely disagree with everything they’ve said. I just don’t talk about myself. Why is that so freaking weird or bad?

With friends and family I can’t always roll it off. It hurts that people just want to tell me how I should do things differently. Whether it’s how I dress, how I interact with their friends who I probably wouldn’t spend time with unless it was for them, or how I need to change my thoughts on things.  I’ve worked hard to not pass judgement on anyone else. I’m not there by any means but I’ve gotten much better at not saying anything unless someone wants my opinion and even then I rarely give it.  Lately it seems like the entire world has something negative to say about me. I dress like a dyke. I have a social disorder. I’m too blunt. I don’t show any emotion on my face and therefore must be crazy…  I don’t try hard enough, I don’t want things bad enough… I get the weirdest shit. And frankly I think it’s shallow. I don’t pass judgement on the people I’ve decided I want to be around when they don’t want to hang out and pass me up over and over again for more outgoing and popular people. I don’t get pissed aloud and say how it really makes me feel when my family members only want to talk about ‘positive’ things in life, i.e don’t want to hear about the things really going on. I just try to make the best of it and find a an outlet for when it gets to me (that isn’t the person).

I’m alone except for my dog with where I’ve chosen to live. The few friends and family members who know me best are very far away. So when my mood is not acceptable for the friends I do have here and the ‘general public’ of clubs and bars I get even more introverted and find something else to do with myself. I read and watch TV that actually interests me. For example in the last 4 days I’ve read all 3 of Stieg Larsson’s novels and watched the movies (in the original Swedish language) on top of all the other books and movies I find (just bought 3 more books from the used bookstore today). I read online articles like cracked.com and random information. I write and draw. I by no means sit around and feel sorry for myself that I am an alien in my own world. I’ve decided to not worry about the fact that I don’t see anyone outside of work anymore. I’m sick, friends are sick, or their busy or I am not in a sociable mood. One of my goals for this year was to figure out how to be around people. I did great as long as I didn’t let too much of myself show through the mask I had painted on my face. I know how I need to behave to be accepted in most social contexts. Funny thing is now that I know, I’ve no desire to be fake. Even if that means being alone. I now know things that I didn’t, like I truly need to keep my mouth shut. But to pretend I’m someone who I am not isn’t worth being in a circle of people to me. My family who wants to will deal or understand. My friends who are worth going the distance for will also accept it or understand. And with the ones who don’t there is little I can do besides be polite and try to treat them the way I hope they want/need.

So many people want me to change this, or do that. The bottom line is at the end of the day the only person who has to deal with me is myself. And whatever makes me feel the most okay and doesn’t hurt anything in the process is what I need to do. Something else I’ve come to terms with in the last couple of months is I am not like MOST people. I’ve had a lot of things in my life that the average person DOESN’T. Which means I won’t ever be like most people (even the odd ones out I’m different from). I don’t have the same ideals that most people have. Having a ‘career’ is not that important to me (shocker I know..) but since I don’t want a house, kids or the ‘American dream’ it’s truly okay. Same goes for boyfriends and my love life. For some reason many ‘do gooders’ like to focus on how I shouldn’t let my past keep me from being alone. I tend to laugh till I cry that this what they’ve decided is the most important thing for me to focus on..realtionship therapy so that I can date… I’m more interested in helping my family, bettering myself (with skills not people), working and earning traveling money and things that I DO have control over. If I find someone I like, great (if their in the same state that is), if not, I’ve got tons of things on my plate. Nit picking at silly things like this tends to drive me nuts (and makes me stop talking to them).

I’ve been listening to this song lately (a favorite from a while ago), even put the lyrics on my Facebook status. It’s actually called ‘I am what I am’.  Anyway to steal a few lines from it;

“Stop trying to change me
I am what I am
No I don’t need you to save me
I am what I am
I don’t want you to show me (I don’t need you to show me…)
Because I stand where I stand
I just need you to know me
Just know who I am”

And what it means to me is;

I’ll change myself. No one else.

No one can save me, I’ve saved myself already and will continue to do so.

I am what I am, life has made me this way. I’ve become what I am by how I dealt with things that I had no control over. I’ve made peace with that. Why can’t you?

The best thing you could do is to know me and understand. I judge myself in a way that you never could. What I really need is your love and support, not what I am doing wrong and where I have failed.

Because I am what I am.

 

I didn’t ask for things to be the way they are. I didn’t ask to be put through the things I have. I didn’t ask to become the person I am. But here I am and doing the best I can. Which for most isn’t good enough and certainly not what they want for me. But I am what I am.

~J

September ~ Continued

So part two of September Sadness ( name of first post):

It hasn’t been all darkness so far this month (that and the Sun still makes it all the out). I work a lot (tons of dogs need my help) and that keeps me busy. Yes it’s hard work, tiring and sometimes very stressful (usually the people not the dogs) BUT I love the dogs and it gives me something to do. I see Stefanie once in a while and get to spend quality time with Emi here and there. Both ladies are very busy with multiple jobs and have a lot going on in their own life but usually still take some time out for me (such good friends). Emi recently has been a HUGE help when I am puppy sitting for friends and taking the pooches out while I am at work and even helping me bath them when we take them to dog parks and they find mud… We also have Sushi dates often         *big smile*!

I spend a lot of my free time (when he isn’t working) with Danny the ‘gym guy’ as I used to refer to him as since he runs his own mixed martial arts gym. We met back in the early winter of 2010 and he helped me out a lot during my cold months of couch surfing. We both got busy with our own lives and drifted off for a bit during the summer (starting right before I made the blog) but seem to have picked up where we left off on our friendship (lucky me). Danny has been through some stuff in the sense that he seems to ‘get’ me in ways that most people don’t. I’ll never forget how kind he was when I was a homeless bum with no car and the fact that he still calls me friend just makes me grin like an idiot – not to mention he spends time with me!

Below: Danny during one of our trips to the dog park in January 2011. (yes I took the picture)

So with my few but great friends I’ve made here in the North I try to focus on the positive things when I can and not let the darkness get to me. September isn’t all bad I know.. some really great people have birthdays like my awesome Cousin Lucy, my birthday twin and amazing friend Carmen (she has the same birthday as I do), and Danny along with others. The Fall Equinox happens (I tend to get pretty excited about Nature’s Holidays) and the snow starts to come in (love snow).

For the (silly) Labor Day event I got invited to some friends I’ve made through dog training and had a wonderful relaxing time (and they fed me a super nice dinner). I got Poodle kisses and sweet potatoes! River got to go too and thoroughly enjoyed taking the boys (said Poodles) bones from them… So I seem to be finding some things to get into and good people to see even with the memories looming and the sever (yes it’s still a problem) lack of sleep. I’m supposed to visit an old family friend soon who has his own fishing business (fresh fish!!!) which should be a blast.

So a big thanks to those who can endure my black moods ~ Joannie.