June 14th:

The time for grieving has arrived. Mom & Dad are together again in some form or another. Their children forge on in the physical plane. Such Great Souls they are, such a void left upon their passing. These words that have been on my mind are all I can relate to and share with you at this time.

“When Great Trees Fall

When great trees fall,
rocks on distant hills shudder,
lions hunker down
in tall grasses,
and even elephants
lumber after safety.

When great trees fall
in forests,
small things recoil into silence,
their senses
eroded beyond fear.

When great souls die,
the air around us becomes
light, rare, sterile.
We breathe, briefly.
Our eyes, briefly,
see with
a hurtful clarity.
Our memory, suddenly sharpened,
examines,
gnaws on kind words
unsaid,
promised walks
never taken.

Great souls die and
our reality, bound to
them, takes leave of us.
Our souls,
dependent upon their
nurture,
now shrink, wizened.
Our minds, formed
and informed by their
radiance,
fall away.
We are not so much maddened
as reduced to the unutterable ignorance
of dark, cold
caves.

And when great souls die,
after a period peace blooms,
slowly and always
irregularly. Spaces fill
with a kind of
soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored, never
to be the same, whisper to us.
They existed. They existed.
We can be. Be and be
better. For they existed.” ~ Maya Angelou

June 16th:

My post announcing Dad’s passing the evening of the 14th never published, I think I was just too tired to notice. Now today is Father’s Day. Our First Father’s Day without him. In my attempt to be open to possibility unknown, I have a card for Dad that I picked out for him today. I almost gave it to him early, but I didn’t. What is harder now? To have a card I never gave to him or the regret of not being proactive enough? I don’t know. It just hurts. Today hurts.

As I sit with Dad now, I reflect back to our last adventure in January to the beautiful Sonoma Coast of California. It was short, not under easy circumstances, but we took a long drive, and saw some sights. Now, as I face our last adventure together, my gratitude for that grey stormy day is palpable.

All treatments have stopped or have run their course.

Palliative Care is the focus. Days run together and nights blur. Time stands still and moments are short. Contradiction layered upon contradiction. This place of between. Standing in the doorway of this world and the next. A privilege. A indescribable pain. To be present in both worlds simultaneously. I wish we weren’t here and I wouldn’t be anywhere else.

Great Love commands Great depth.

My Father walks in both effortlessly.