I am what I am

Lately I have gotten the vibe that the way I am is not really liked by people (I’m sure part of it is just me..). Whether its work, friends, family, random people at the store or at the bar; I get asked ALL the time, ‘whats your problem’, ‘why the long face?’ (I don’t have a smile plastered to my face 24/7), ‘why here alone’ and all sorts of wonderful silly things. People at work think it’s odd that I don’t talk about myself. I sometimes will make myself say a random fact about my life just to ease the thought that I hate them and don’t want to talk to anyone. My clients think I’m great so my people skills aren’t that terrible (I hope). People at work say that I’m weird and different because I never talk about myself, I don’t gossip, I don’t give a shit about the latest drama or new finding about something that has nothing to do with me. I just listen. I don’t have an opinion on things outside of my job at work. Frankly it is none of my coworkers business what I think about things in my personal life. I just want to do my job to the best of my abilities. People at work confide in me all the time because they know I won’t repeat what they need to get off their chest nor pass judgement even if I completely disagree with everything they’ve said. I just don’t talk about myself. Why is that so freaking weird or bad?

With friends and family I can’t always roll it off. It hurts that people just want to tell me how I should do things differently. Whether it’s how I dress, how I interact with their friends who I probably wouldn’t spend time with unless it was for them, or how I need to change my thoughts on things.  I’ve worked hard to not pass judgement on anyone else. I’m not there by any means but I’ve gotten much better at not saying anything unless someone wants my opinion and even then I rarely give it.  Lately it seems like the entire world has something negative to say about me. I dress like a dyke. I have a social disorder. I’m too blunt. I don’t show any emotion on my face and therefore must be crazy…  I don’t try hard enough, I don’t want things bad enough… I get the weirdest shit. And frankly I think it’s shallow. I don’t pass judgement on the people I’ve decided I want to be around when they don’t want to hang out and pass me up over and over again for more outgoing and popular people. I don’t get pissed aloud and say how it really makes me feel when my family members only want to talk about ‘positive’ things in life, i.e don’t want to hear about the things really going on. I just try to make the best of it and find a an outlet for when it gets to me (that isn’t the person).

I’m alone except for my dog with where I’ve chosen to live. The few friends and family members who know me best are very far away. So when my mood is not acceptable for the friends I do have here and the ‘general public’ of clubs and bars I get even more introverted and find something else to do with myself. I read and watch TV that actually interests me. For example in the last 4 days I’ve read all 3 of Stieg Larsson’s novels and watched the movies (in the original Swedish language) on top of all the other books and movies I find (just bought 3 more books from the used bookstore today). I read online articles like cracked.com and random information. I write and draw. I by no means sit around and feel sorry for myself that I am an alien in my own world. I’ve decided to not worry about the fact that I don’t see anyone outside of work anymore. I’m sick, friends are sick, or their busy or I am not in a sociable mood. One of my goals for this year was to figure out how to be around people. I did great as long as I didn’t let too much of myself show through the mask I had painted on my face. I know how I need to behave to be accepted in most social contexts. Funny thing is now that I know, I’ve no desire to be fake. Even if that means being alone. I now know things that I didn’t, like I truly need to keep my mouth shut. But to pretend I’m someone who I am not isn’t worth being in a circle of people to me. My family who wants to will deal or understand. My friends who are worth going the distance for will also accept it or understand. And with the ones who don’t there is little I can do besides be polite and try to treat them the way I hope they want/need.

So many people want me to change this, or do that. The bottom line is at the end of the day the only person who has to deal with me is myself. And whatever makes me feel the most okay and doesn’t hurt anything in the process is what I need to do. Something else I’ve come to terms with in the last couple of months is I am not like MOST people. I’ve had a lot of things in my life that the average person DOESN’T. Which means I won’t ever be like most people (even the odd ones out I’m different from). I don’t have the same ideals that most people have. Having a ‘career’ is not that important to me (shocker I know..) but since I don’t want a house, kids or the ‘American dream’ it’s truly okay. Same goes for boyfriends and my love life. For some reason many ‘do gooders’ like to focus on how I shouldn’t let my past keep me from being alone. I tend to laugh till I cry that this what they’ve decided is the most important thing for me to focus on..realtionship therapy so that I can date… I’m more interested in helping my family, bettering myself (with skills not people), working and earning traveling money and things that I DO have control over. If I find someone I like, great (if their in the same state that is), if not, I’ve got tons of things on my plate. Nit picking at silly things like this tends to drive me nuts (and makes me stop talking to them).

I’ve been listening to this song lately (a favorite from a while ago), even put the lyrics on my Facebook status. It’s actually called ‘I am what I am’.  Anyway to steal a few lines from it;

“Stop trying to change me
I am what I am
No I don’t need you to save me
I am what I am
I don’t want you to show me (I don’t need you to show me…)
Because I stand where I stand
I just need you to know me
Just know who I am”

And what it means to me is;

I’ll change myself. No one else.

No one can save me, I’ve saved myself already and will continue to do so.

I am what I am, life has made me this way. I’ve become what I am by how I dealt with things that I had no control over. I’ve made peace with that. Why can’t you?

The best thing you could do is to know me and understand. I judge myself in a way that you never could. What I really need is your love and support, not what I am doing wrong and where I have failed.

Because I am what I am.

 

I didn’t ask for things to be the way they are. I didn’t ask to be put through the things I have. I didn’t ask to become the person I am. But here I am and doing the best I can. Which for most isn’t good enough and certainly not what they want for me. But I am what I am.

~J

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One thought on “I am what I am

  1. I love you for who you are, and even though I’m far away, I care. I’ve had plenty of good and bad days, even with new good things in my life. I’ve learned, hey, I’ve been through some bad stuff, it’s ok if I don’t feel ok some days. Like you, work helps. I get to put on a happy face (even if I’m not happy) and distract myself by listening to my patients’ stories.

    You and I are a lot alike in quite a few ways. I cherish my alone time and I enjoy getting lost in some good books. I actually get really mad if I don’t get alone time at some point, to listen to music or read. I could happily be alone for a few days and not want for company. I’ve also gotten flack for wanting a career change, and being perfectly happy as a tech and not wanting to move up as a nurse (I want to be a cop, for many, many personal and professional reasons).

    You are doing the very best you can given what you have gone through. You are trying many things to find peace and a little happiness, and while it’s not easy at all, you are at the very least trying. And I believe you never truly “get over” something…it makes you stronger and better able to deal with what life throws at you, but there are still those days that are like black holes.

    Thinking of you, and you can always talk to me and I don’t judge 🙂

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