September Sadness

September is a rather hard month for me. It used to be my favorite time of the year (and no not just because of my birthday) many (many) years ago. But over time more and more things have darken the month. First it was losing some of my most beloved pets right around my birthday for 3 years in a row. Some of you may remember Shadow, Mom’s beautiful white mare. We found her stuck in the hole the day before my birthday and spent a week in hell trying to save only to have to put her down. She was one of the most loved horses and died because of a horrific accident. Needless to say we didn’t do anything besides cry that birthday dinner. My Grandmom Miller (Dad’s Mom) was still with us and called the day after we let Shadow go. When she asked my Mom how things were going Mom admitted that they had been better and Grandmom was sure from her tone that one of the kids was dead. It took Mom twenty minutes to convince her that only a horse and not a child was gone. My first dog got hit by a car in front of our house (I was the one to find her) two days after I turned 13 (pretty much getting older started sucking before I even hit puberty). I was 18 before I decided I wanted to “try” to make something of my birthday again.. Course when I was at college (in northern Ohio) and was turning 20 I told Mom at the last-minute to not come for my birthday since the farm was so busy. 20 wasn’t really that big a deal anyways. And since I wouldn’t get to see her till a few weeks after she turned 50 we made this big plan for  next year when I turned 21 (and she would soon turn 51) that we would go crazy (everybody knows it’s not 50 but 51 that it’s really over the hill!) and no matter what be together and have an awesome time. But she wasn’t here to see me turn 21. Our last birthdays were spent apart busy with stupid everyday things. Something I’ll never stop regretting is convincing her to stay in Tennessee that year, that there would be more time. Needless to say my 21st birthday I wanted to be blackout drunk in a way that had nothing to do with being able to legally drink. Instead I washed floors by hand all day and farm sat while the rest of the family was visiting relatives for a week. Lorien kept me company in my misery (such a faithful friend). The following birthdays I pretend I don’t have.

If that isn’t enough the psycho who is responsible for my family’s pain was spawned a few days before me. So I have years of memories of celebrating his fucking life (I keep those locked away in mind) this month. And then (yes there is more) the freaking trial was also during September. There is another equally dark event that almost happened at the end of September the first year after Mom’s death that I remain haunted by and even though it’s been a few years I never forget.

I love the colors of Autumn. Sadly Alaska’s forests have little in the ways of reds and golds. I love the Fall Equinox. But the rest is painful even when I’m smiling. I’m not giving up an entire month because of memories. But sometimes it’s hard to remember that.

More later~ J

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