Inner Tears Poem ~Written in January of 2009

You can’t see the tears in my eyes. No one can. They never fall in sight. Only at night. Only in the darkness do they course down my face. Like a race. I don’t notice. Rain drops frozen upon my cheeks. Glitter like cold diamonds. Drops of pain glide softly upon my cheek.

I’m broken in so many ways. Marked like the faceless thing he called me. I am gone, but a shadow remains. She wants to live! She wants to feel again. She wants to be free. She wants to be loved and kept safe.

You can’t hear my silent screams. No one can. They are never spoken aloud. Only in my head. Only in the silence do they cry out. Like cries of the wind do they sing. Like a storm. ~J

I hardly cry anymore. I couldn’t say why though the distance the PTSD gives me from most of my feelings probably doesn’t help. Since my failure in Knoxville and the Trial I don’t focus on how I feel much. Just seems like a waste of time. These feelings don’t pay my awful bills, train the dogs or enable me to do my job. They tend to bring me down, make me unable to enjoy the things I do like is this messed up world, drive my friends and family away, make me hate myself all the more for being weak. I still strive to live, to breath in life and all of it’s forms. To make everyday as meaningful as possible. But I don’t spend much time anymore with the deluded wishes that people can love me if I let them see my broken state. That being safe is a possibility (rather laughable when one thinks about it) and certainly no one else can do it for me.  To wish for others to help me up when I’m down every time or be the ‘one’ who makes me safe is irrational and pointless. To work on my “issues” to put it lightly..is a LONG process and I have had to make peace with the minute baby steps that I do get.

I hope people don’t just see the darkness in my words, but the amount of energy I put forth in living when I often feel such pain as I sometimes write about.

Good Medicine ~ J

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Ode to the Journey

I wrote this a few weeks ago as a status update – but it was to long so I posted as a note, and then worked on it some more and this is what came out!

 

It’s the longest road that we have to walk alone. Twisting and turning, dark and hidden, on the edge of reason and all that we know. It’s the path unknown friends leave you behind on.  They’ll say come “this way” only to leave you behind, she’ll point out the direction without knowledge of where it goes, He’ll insist IT is the way. It’s the decisions we make when everyone else disagrees. The actions we take when everyone else shake their heads sadly and throw up their hands in vain with words of “what can we do”. It’s the words we speak when the rest feel that it is pointless and the words of hurt that we quietly let go so as to not cause more pain. All of this and more is the journey some of us know to be life that the world perpetually seeks as it happens under their very noses unnoticed and forgotten. It’s the holy grail of life, it’s the gold in the mine, it’s the dream within dreams, one’s heart’s desire never known to its body. It’s the truth seekers that take the journey wherever it goes; far from everyone, everything – they know and love in the name of survival of the soul. To the journey and to have the strength to prevail when all else has failed. It’s taking the daily grind and refusing to give in and give up. Not just taking the first step but the last as well. It’s about keeping to the journey even when in appearance all doors are closed and the end is near. Even when the path is stagnant and stale, the people interchangeable and shallow, the hardships overbearing and the light distant. It’s the journey of life and having the mind that you cannot not take it for else your condemned to a life of ignorance and despair. Seek the truths of life. Live the journey and never take a step back.

~an ode to myself

Originally written for some friend’s on FB

I was moved to write a little something that turned into a lot after receiving emails, texts and phone calls over the last few days from friends, co-workers and family who needed someone to talk to. Someone to listen. I of course did all those things. But I also felt that maybe I should share what I have done in their position, what I am doing and striving for. Maybe it could be of use to them? Maybe not. But I wrote it and posted it on Facebook. Then thought I might as well put it on the blog too since it grew from a “few tricks” to the recipe of how I go about life… My only hope is that no one thinks I am giving advice or sound like I’m telling you what to do. I am only sharing what was said to me and what I say to my self.

Face Book Post~

Family, Friends, and people I don’t know as well; You’ve said things and done things, I’ve seen some things, heard some things, and thought of you as I wrote this in hopes of giving you something positive. So please take whatever you can from this, and forget the rest.~Joannie

Life, the very thing that we strive for also kills us. Here lately I have notice, been around or involved with people who are struggling with LIFE. They often say that the problem is their love life (or lack of), job (or lack of), school (or lack of), Money (always lack of), family problems (everyone has them guys…) friends (or lack of) and the place they are in. What I see is something else entirely. The problem is the person himself. The problem is that she cannot have a LIFE because she doesn’t know who she is, why she is and where (non physically) she is.

As a “young” person (as we are referred to these days) I have been THERE and then some. Everyone has problems, and then there are the problems that make other people go.. Well maybe I could have it worse after all. I will not say my problems are the worst of the worst. But I know they are not everyday ones. But this isn’t for me; this is for the friends, family and individuals that are in the place of stagnant negativity of life. Those who feel stuck, frozen, trapped and helpless. This is for the people who are angry at what they have been given in the form of life (whether past or present). This is for the people who are sad, unhappy, and maybe even hopeless and on the verge of giving up or passively have. For those who are asking why bother? No one cares, I am not strong enough (whether for that moment or change of life), and it is pointless this life. I write this for those people. Because this is what I do to live.

Those who believe that “IF” they had [insert external need] their lives would be good, okay, better, what they want (think they need) and that with this “thing” they could go on in this life and be happy and who they are meant to be. I write to those who think all this.

I write to anyone who is unhappy with his or her life and wants to hear what I have to say.

First off, happiness is an EMOTION. It comes and then it GOES. You cannot be in a perpetual state of happiness at all times. Realizing this will set you free from the constant exhausting state of searching for happiness. It starts from within.

Now you need to realize and SURRENDER to the fact the YOU in YOUR life is the only thing you can CHANGE or CONTROL (with both there are still some things above our ability to change or control and therefore must be given up to whomever your higher power is). Without this, everything is stemming from ego, ideals, preconceived notions and not the self.

To be happy you must first be OKAY with yourself. Maybe loving you is something you have/need to work on. It tends to take time. But accepting that you, as you are now, are okay (for now) is the first step to be able to feel happy. Baby steps. Be okay. Accept. Love bits of yourself here and there. Don’t over kill you won’t love yourself over night. You first have to accept yourself, then be okay with yourself, than like yourself. Once those are real and true you can go after the final goal of loving yourself wholly. But right this moment. Baby steps. Be okay-accept. Accept-be okay. However it works for you.

NOTHING will make you happy. NO-ONE will make you happy. Only you can experience happiness. Once you have achieved that, you can SHARE it with others. But the emotion is YOURS and YOURS alone. Yes we are all alone. And until we are accepting of that we cannot be with others in a true self form. First just be with yourself. LITERALLY just BE. Don’t run, move, hide, distract or push away the true you. Just be.

Motivation. Is what separates a person who can experience happiness and change and those who cannot. Motivation comes in all forms. But for it to be TRUE and ego-less your life’s motivation cannot be a romantic relationship. That involves ego and instinct. Same with having you child be your only motivation. It is NOT their purpose in life to make you happy. To put such a burden upon a single person is unhealthy and unintentionally hurting they’re very being.

Find what motivates you to live. To feel. To experience. With a person who is suicidal, your family (or children) and friends as a whole can be your motivation for now. For now it is okay. But eventually you need to find the true motivation for YOU and not just the lives of others. At rock bottom it is reason enough to live, it is okay. Not forever, but for now.

Focus on that motivation (the one that is there when everything else is dark, you cannot change how you look at the world or how it affects you but that one thing can bring a whisper of motivation). This is your starting point. From here on out, everything you do will incorporate this motivation (hopefully there is more than one) and the lesser ones that make you happy with your EVERYDAY life. Your choices, decisions, and reactions. No matter the pain, sadness, anger you find/feel/are thrust upon. Keep this motivation of life in sight. Be with those emotions. JUST BE. And LET THEM GO when they will leave. Don’t hold on to them. You don’t need them. The world does not need them. Set them and yourself free. Surrender your control of them and just be. Don’t react. Don’t run. Sometimes, don’t even speak.  When you can, write or draw or tell a story about them to let them go. But don’t act with them. Just be. Your family hurts you, put the distance needed so that they cannot. But hold on to it. Your friends use you, hurt you, and are not supportive of you. Put the distance there. How far, long and what kind of distance is up to you and the situation. Just up and running will not solve your problems. But if the situation is as such that you cannot be (because of their impact physically) then moving physical distance may be needed. But just moving will NOT solve your problems-that’s running. Things need to change on the inside. Let go of everyone and everything (not forever or physically just emotionally) and if the situation calls for it then physically let go or stop all interaction. Please remember it is easy to overact when in this state so try not to rush but go slowly as possible so that you know when is far enough.

This song captures what I am trying to say by just be beautifully (not to mention it’s one of my favorites.

These are the lyrics from it:

 

“You can travel the world but you can’t run away

from the person you are in your heart

you can be who you want to be

make us believe in you

keep all your light in the dark

if your searching for truth

You must look in the mirror

and make sense of what you can see

just be

just be

they say learning to love yourself

is the first step

that you take when you want to be real

and flying on planes to exotic locations

won’t teach you how you really feel

face up to the fact that you are who you are

and nothing can change that belief

just be

just be

cause now I know it’s not so far to where I go

the hardest part

is inside me

I need to just be

I was lost and I’m still lost but I feel so much better”

 

Link to this song: http://youtu.be/qEYueRVuqmg

I listened to this song OVER and OVER again. I traveled and felt EXACTLY what it says, you can’t run away from the person you ARE.

Do what you have to. And JUST BE.

Find that motivation-whatever it is. Mine is my siblings and a promise I made. My motivation to keep going when everything is too much and I need something to pull me out of the darkness for at least just a bit, I dance. I dance hard, without purpose, or ego. I dance and throw my emotions into each step. I let the music tell me what to do. I simply just dance. Just be in the dance. No thoughts. No stopping of the emotions that come and go. I just dance. Full physical movement. The zone. I usually dance alone. I usually dance off away from others, as they are not important in their thoughts of me. I simply am dancing. Once my body is exhausted, the emotions have stopped coming up (because I let them flow) I can now again remember my life’s motivation and why I must endure and prevail.

A quick note on motivations, they sometimes change, and you often add more, alter the ones you do have. It’s OKAY. Everything changes. Everyday is different. There are no two flowers with the same petals, no two trees with the exact same form. Everything is different from the other and everything changes. Adapt. Stay true. Know who you are. Compassion for where you are ~J

Random tangent

Not sleeping lends to not writing it seems. Whether the time of year, or just stress catching up to me I haven’t slept in DAYS. And that’s not a joke. I actually went to the health clinic today to see if they could give me something to help me out. I really don’t like to take meds, but I REALLY need this job and can’t really afford to not be functional. So I guess I’ll suck it up. Though I find it highly amusing that quite a few family members and friends are like NOOO don’t take medications!!! You’ll get addicted! When a few years ago they wanted to give me EVERYTHING in the book-like against my will… But  now when I’m like “I am falling apart and need a break to deal and be functional” they aren’t happy about it.. funny indeed. Anyway, I never have had a addictive personality and I don’t plan on it now. Personally the fact that I’ve made it this far through hell without any issues says that I will never not have the self will to do what I need to do. Or at least that’s how I see it, and a few good friends have said similar things.

So a few people have written to me in the last couple weeks, what do I want to hear for feedback on the blog, why they don’t write (because they don’t know what to say) and other similar questions. So I thought I would try to address this confusion a bit.  First off, I don’t “need” to hear anything, as much as I would love feedback on what I write, I’m writing for me so in the end it doesn’t matter as much. Though I will state this- I try to write more happy and positive stuff when I know people are reading what I say.. Anyway, comment if you like, comment about whatever you want! What you think, what you feel, ect. Though if you really have a beef with anything I say maybe just email me? I’m not looking change people’s minds, or have you feel sorry for me. I’m just expressing myself. Take it how you like. I will say this, I get the “everyone” goes through this at some point in their lives” bit EVER DAY. Guess what it doesn’t help me. That idea I’m not alone? First off it’s an illusion and secondly it’s DOESN’T make me feel better. Not in the least. So if that is all you want to say, I probably will just nod my head and think “thanks for reading”.

As for not saying anything because you just don’t know what to say. I UNDERSTAND. Gods know if I was listening to someone else that had been through what I had I wouldn’t know what the fuck to say! What can you say when there are no words? Anyone who has a friend that has lost something they never have should be able to understand that. I don’t judge, begrudge or feel angry that you cannot find the words. And when those of you who do find something to express to me and usually can’t, it’s that much more special, it’s that much more deeper and true because it’s from you. And I cannot thank-you enough that you care and find it in yourself to try to share.

An ode to Coffee

The smell of freshly ground coffee is quite intense, it can make a lesser person quiver with endorphins of anticipation of the hot smooth bitterness of heaven in a cup. There are so many ways to drink coffee, bold, bitter and black. Light with cream. Sweet with sugar or fancy with syrups and whipped cream. Cold and refreshing on a hot day, warm and comforting on a cold evening or a breath of life before the dawn breaks early in the morning when nothing else will chase the sleep away. Coffeecake, coffee ice cream, coffee shakes and cupcakes. If they made a mocha oatmeal I would probably buy it. We add it to protein shakes and energy drinks. Granola bars and chocolate desserts – you can find the coffee flavor everywhere. Before breakfast, after dinner and every waking moment in-between. The world runs off of coffee. While sadly the caffeine does little for me I love the taste. I’m a coffee addict without the addiction. With Money tight and a rebelling stomach against anything acidic (from all the ibuprofen) I haven’t had hardly any in the last month (teas and hot chocolate I still do) so when I do get to enjoy a cup after stuffing myself with food to protect said sensitive stomach I feel truly blessed (and that I’m splurging..) and smile at the face of exhaustion even though it’s not the caffeine that makes my day better. As silly as it might seem, coffee and a good book can turn around almost any off day. The simple things in life you always hear people say should be the things we focus on. I’m of the mind that very little is actually simple if it has to do humans (I mean coffee can be pretty complicated with all the stuff we add to it!) but I simply enjoy my coffee even if it’s not a simple thing to have in my life. And only the good stuff!

Poem ~ A Wind Across Time

I wrote this in the spring of 2006.

Where does the wind go? Does it ever stop? Does it ever die? Or, does the wind live forever, blowing across time that we cannot measure? Time is forever changing, so is the wind. Neither stops, neither rests. But if played by the right hand may they be directed? I wonder if some were to catch a ride on the wind, would she too catch a ride upon time? Would he blow past others or even the whole world on his whirlwind ride? Would she realize the time she misses while riding the winds? How the wind passed time by with no care? The ever changing breeze passes us, moving forward faster in time than us. If we could catch that breeze, would we too pass time as we know it on winds across time?