People rain words onto me (often without asking if I’d actually like to hear them) with little thought of how they may sound in my shoes. I’ve learned to not mention (for the most part) how wrong and just plain stupid their choices are when speaking to me. I tell myself that it is unfair to expect anyone to know not to say the many things they do and I do believe it now. It’s the well-meaning friends and family that I want to shake sometimes. It’s the people who DO know facts about my past that I’ve a hard time not getting frustrated with. I understand that people have different views and beliefs than I do. I accept it and have no wish on any level to change it. It’s when they push them on to me that I cannot always smile and go ‘okay’. Usually my best bet is to simply nod and change the subject. If they continually bring it up and say the SAME damn thing over and over I will sometimes casually say that while I’m glad it works for them, I don’t follow that pattern of thought and it does NOTHING for me. Sadly most never get the hint even when I drop the niceties and just flat-out say “glad you get comfort out that, I DON’T”.
I’m going to rant a bit here..you may want to just skip this…
Words that make me want to walk out on someone with a word in the middle of a conversation are:
“Everything happens for a REASON”. My life has been a large string of events that Stephen King himself hasn’t thought of yet to make his next best seller about the twisted-ness of people… There isn’t a reason good enough to LET that happen let lone PLAN it in some fucked up idea of fate and destiny. ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT is the first though in my mind. Next though is compassion that it’s how the unfortunate person makes their own trials make sense to them. And then sadness that they have to deny so as to get through life and then finally the envy sets in of the fact the world has been much better to them than it has to me to enable the continued belief (or they are just afraid of the truth). I make myself not dwell on envy or anything negative.
“Things will get better, they always do, you have to keep trying and stay positive” Um HELLO I’m still here and trying? WTF more do you want? A stupid positively POINTLESS attitude to assure those who can’t handle how bad things can be that they really aren’t that bad? Either buck up or leave me alone. I can’t lie every moment just to make someone else who doesn’t get it feel better. And as for things getting better..um NO they don’t always. There is no law of nature that says that statement. That is how people end up blowing their fucking brains out in the house so the poor family can come home to the horror.. People don’t always just get better with time. Most get worse, even more unstable than before, sicker.. Cancer anyone? Obviously there are times when “it” was too much for people. Saying shit like that just makes it even sadder for those who have lost someone who couldn’t deal.
“Just Luck” I don’t believe in luck. I don’t even give a rats ass for most “odd” since I seem to defy most of them anyway! Everyday someone will say to me “you’ve the worst luck” gee thanks you unaware ass that statement helps SO much. It’s word fillers that I don’t want and rather not hear from those who I actually speak to about my life.
“Your not trying hard enough” It’s always easy to tell someone else what they should about their problems. Even if it were true, telling someone who is exhausted and sick, already wondering if there is a point to which this suffering is not worth it, that THEY aren’t trying hard enough is quite cruel. It’s selfish and ignorant. It shows the shallowness of humanity and it capacity for complete lack of compassion along with the stupidity of the individual.
I have been asking people to help the children (my siblings) by helping my Dad who I fear is very, very tired and deeply depressed. Penny (his lady) seems to be a bit like a ray of light in his darkness for which I am thankful for and glad that Dad can find some comfort in this world. But I still worry by the buckets for the kids. I’m very concerned that the tools (if there are any) to dealing with special need children after such a traumatic event of their mother’s murder are NOT being found and used. Cutting out any chance of their succeeding in life. Thus far everyone I talk to has listen partly or feels that they are unable to be help since Dad himself will not accept much help. In more recent months people have been very quick to say that I need to take care of myself first before I can help the kids. I agree (hence why I am living in ALASKA) but that doesn’t stop me from trying to find help and resources for the kids. It’s a issue I need to cover more in depth but it weighs heavily on me.