Stupid words?

People rain words onto me (often without asking if I’d actually like to hear them) with little thought of how they may sound in my shoes. I’ve learned to not mention (for the most part) how wrong and just plain stupid their choices are when speaking to me. I tell myself that it is unfair to expect anyone to know not to say the many things they do and I do believe it now. It’s the well-meaning friends and family that I want to shake sometimes. It’s the people who DO know facts about my past that I’ve a hard time not getting frustrated with. I understand that people have different views and beliefs than I do. I accept it and have no wish on any level to change it. It’s when they push them on to me that I cannot always smile and go ‘okay’. Usually my best bet is to simply nod and change the subject. If they continually bring it up and say the SAME damn thing over and over I will sometimes casually say that while I’m glad it works for them, I don’t follow that pattern of thought and it does NOTHING for me. Sadly most never get the hint even when I drop the niceties and just flat-out say “glad you get comfort out that, I DON’T”.

I’m going to rant a bit here..you may want to just skip this…

Words that make me want to walk out on someone with a word in the middle of a conversation are:                                                                            

“Everything happens for a REASON”. My life has been a large string of events that Stephen King himself hasn’t thought of yet to make his next best seller about the twisted-ness of people… There isn’t a reason good enough to LET that happen let lone PLAN it in some fucked up idea of fate and destiny. ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT is the first though in my mind. Next though is compassion that it’s how the unfortunate person makes their own trials make sense to them. And then sadness that they have to deny so as to get through life and then finally the envy sets in of the fact the world has been much better to them than it has to me to enable the continued belief (or they are just afraid of the truth). I make myself not dwell on envy or anything negative.

“Things will get better, they always do, you have to keep trying and stay positive” Um HELLO I’m still here and trying? WTF more do you want? A stupid positively POINTLESS attitude to assure those who can’t handle how bad things can be that they really aren’t that bad? Either buck up or leave me alone. I can’t lie every moment just to make someone else who doesn’t get it feel better. And as for things getting better..um NO they don’t always. There is no law of nature that says that statement. That is how people end up blowing  their fucking brains out in the house so the poor family can come home to the horror.. People don’t always  just get better with time. Most get worse, even more unstable than before, sicker.. Cancer anyone? Obviously there are times when “it” was too much for people. Saying shit like that just makes it even sadder for those who have lost someone who couldn’t deal.

“Just Luck” I don’t believe in luck. I don’t even give a rats ass for most “odd” since I seem to defy most of them anyway! Everyday someone will say to me “you’ve the worst luck” gee thanks you unaware ass that statement helps SO much. It’s word fillers that I don’t want and rather not hear from those who I actually speak to about my life.

“Your not trying hard enough” It’s always easy to tell someone else what they should about their problems. Even if it were true, telling someone who is exhausted and sick, already wondering if there is a point to which this suffering is not worth it, that THEY aren’t trying hard enough is quite cruel. It’s selfish and ignorant. It shows the shallowness of humanity and it capacity for complete lack of compassion along with the stupidity of the individual.

I have been asking people to help the children (my siblings) by helping my Dad who I fear is very, very tired and deeply depressed. Penny (his lady) seems to be a bit like a ray of light in his darkness for which I am thankful for and glad that Dad can find some comfort in this world. But I still worry by the buckets for the kids. I’m very concerned that the tools (if there are any) to dealing with special need children after such a traumatic event of their mother’s murder are NOT being found and used. Cutting out any chance of their succeeding in life. Thus far everyone I talk to has listen partly or feels that they are unable to be help since Dad himself will not accept much help. In more recent months people have been very quick to say that I need to take care of myself first before I can help the kids. I agree (hence why I am living in ALASKA) but that doesn’t stop me from trying to find help and resources for the kids. It’s a issue I need to cover more in depth but it weighs heavily on me.

~J

General what I’m up to these past couple of weeks

Work has really picked up in the last few even with company trying to cut my hours so I’ve been pretty busy with that bit. Seems I may be allergic to the cottonwoods or just cities in general.. But for the most part I’ve been feeling pretty good up until the other week. Got bit of a cold. Seemed to be gone but now it’s my chest..had a fever but managed to kick the fever without more medication. I hate doctors. So now it’s been over a week and I still have a cough.. Not sleeping is the most predominate reason I get sick. I have things I take (meds) and stuff that I do to try to make it happen. I do yoga, hot baths, meditate, ect and it all helps. But without the medication I won’t fully sleep. And even with the meds I sometimes will only sleep for 4-6 hours and then be up. But any sleep at this point is fine by me! So sick again, haven’t called out of work or anything, I’ve a lot of classes to teach and if I can – I absolutely need to work. So what if I can barely talk or feel like shit. Just need to get the job done. Maybe at some point in life I’ll have the ability to just chill and relax back when I not feeling well. But not today and not right now.

My good buddy Reuben is relocating to Seattle *sniffle* in a week so I  have been trying to spend a lot of my free time with him since it may be a bit before I see him again. Another good friend is back in town due to bills (she didn’t want to come back sadly) so though the change isn’t what she wanted I sure enjoy seeing her again! Just wish wasn’t for quite these reasons. So when not working or sleeping I spend my time trying to balance being there for the friends that need me and some quality time with myself or friends who aren’t in need of my emotional help. It can be quite the juggling act. River has been going back and forth from super well-behaved and excellent as my right hand dog or just plan sassy brat-ness that makes me just growl at her and toss her in the crate. Guess we are re-evaluating our work relationship  a bit.. ugh all these changes even with the damn dog!

Nothing has come of the Pilates job as of yet and with my crazy hours at the pet store no one is interested in me for part-time so for the moment I have put other jobs on hold until I have a better picture of what my schedule is like. But the good news is I have had a serious jump in the amount of clients I get buying classes and coming in. So I am still slowly making it in this world. My back seems to have stabilized with the medication, exercise and bodywork I have been using. So that is awesomeness for the moment 🙂

Tonight I am cooking dinner for Suzi (Mom’s sister) or better known as “the orange aunt” since she is staying with me for the night after dropping cousin Hanna at her Girl scout camp in the valley. Even 3000 miles away from the farm I manage to keep a ‘something is always going on’ schedule ha!

Good Medicine ~ J

A Quote

I came across this quote the other day. I thought at first was just another silly touchy feely quote going around but upon thinking about I was wrong. It was something that Mom would have said. It was something like some most respected people in my life have said. So I paid attention.

Then I decided the Facebook page made for Mom needed something like this on it, so I posted the quote and then added  my own take on it. ~ “Mom said things like this; I think many of us can be the persons she believed possible and make the world to be a better place if we can move ourselves from the depths of our own suffering to help others and keep open the possibility for change even in the darkest of times, to not let our own despair dampen what joy we do have and to find the sacred act of living in every moment of everyday to the fullest.”

I posted it on my own page on Facebook  and rather quickly people were telling me how beautiful I was which I believe nothing of the like. Then a friend texted me saying thank you so much, I really needed that quote right now (her life has some large changes happening) it has changed my entire thought process on things right now. I felt good that I had been able to make a difference even though I haven’t spoken to my friend on the east coast in six months now.

Everyday I fight through the bullshit of common life, the pain in my head and in my bones, the distance from everything that I hold dear, I fight to stay honest and speak with integrity in a world that is corrupted and spiraling into chaos. I fight to give my bothers and Janna the same possibility that Mom gave us ~ LIFE lived in its fullest and dreams that are made into reality and not the despairing reality many of us have now. Not the damaging circle we stay in because of “what was” and not taking the first step of responsibility to step back from it. I fight to be the example of what IS and all its possibilities.

I cannot bring myself to believe that I am “a beautiful person”  like this quote says but I try to be honest in my life.

Some mornings…

Some mornings I wake up (if I ever went to sleep..) and the first coherent thought that runs through my muddled mind is ‘ugh why do I feel this way?’ My joints hurt. My back hurts. My head hurts. Thoughts of what the hell did I do last night? I recall yesterdays events. (sorry guys usually alcohol isn’t the reason) As my faulty memory tries to order everything into tangible strands it dawns on me. I went dancing. I went hiking. I did something physical is usually the result. Surprisingly enough dancing doesn’t usually make me feel this way even though I move a LOT. But walking on concert. That is a different story. Running ~ Every time I do it all the doctors who have said “no more running” come floating back to me..ah this must be why they said that, says that little voice we all have. I feel like fucking shit. And it’s not the pop an aspirin and put on some bengay kinda feeling. My muscles don’t register on the pain radar. In fact I’m in decent  shape so it’s not even a muscular thing. Its my bones. If you’ve broken something you might remember that bone deep pain. The one that just gnaws at you like a dog with a bone. You can’t shake it, you can’t push it aside and you can’t hide from it. Most people when that pain sets in are already at the hysterical stage of “I broke my arm” That is pretty much my pain a lot of the times. Its acute. Bone deep (it is my bones that are actually hurting) and it’s heavy. It’s enough to bring on depression that I managed to keep at bay with all the other shit in my life. It’s enough to make one question the life she has. That is how I ended up trying modern biology and seeing what the medicines could help with.  And it has made a huge impact on my life. It gives me the staying power to keep going, keep working, keep living when life on just a physical level hurts too damn much before adding in the rest.

For the most part I’ve moved on from the fact that I cannot run. that hiking up hill is easier for obese people than me, that I really can’t walk or hike with more than 10lbs in a backpack for any length of distance if I want to move tomorrow. I can still swim a mile within 6 minutes (5 minutes is what most competing female swimmers are expect to average) and dance (my style is very high cardio) for up to three hours without fully stopping.  Coming from a family of athletes means I still measure people in what they are physically capable of..including myself.  Someone tells me that walking a mile in under 10 minutes is impossible for them my first thought is dear god they’ll die soon… So when I think of myself of how I feel after walking/running home on concert I realize I’m really not much better. I feel like I am dying.. I have dark circles under my eyes from the physical pain alone. On days when my pain level is high, people ask me whose dog died from ‘air’ about me. I do all sorts of things to try to get myself through. Hot/ice baths (tons of Epsom salts – the people at Walgreen’s think I have a science project going..) lying in the sun if there is any to be found, stretching, yoga, meditation and anything else that might work. But sometimes that persistent feeling of my aching bones are so brittle that they will just snap out from under me. It pisses me off despite how much I accept it, how long it’s been around. People say things like; you should be grateful that you can walk at all after having broken all those bones, you are still you and healthy you’ve nothing to complain (my favorite one) in which I tartly reply that yes indeed I’m young can’t wait to see what another 20 years is going to do me (I can be a real bitch sometimes) and other thoughtless things that modern-day man can come up with. For the girl whose dream was to be a equine acrobat and do Ironman’s just because walking isn’t that awesome. Some days I’m immature and quite pissed about the hand I was dealt and the fact of after running a few miles or walking around town too long the next day I’m eating narcos just to get up for work. Just once I wish I could go into work like the other kids looking like shit from partying too hard the night before and not walking home. Today is one of those days. Soon enough I’ll be over my funk and the meds will have kicked in taking it down a few notches. But for now I just want to be free from all this.

 

~ J

My 4th of July with Talkeetna

Talkeetna Alaska! It’s a little touristy town in the Denali area that is cute and quant where three major rivers come together making it a prime fishing place! The little town also boasts the “moose dropping festival” and home of the “”Travel Channel’s Man vs Food~ In season 2 episode 16, they travel to the Roadhouse, a restaurant in Talkeetna to sample their one of a kind breakfast dishes. Also featured is West Rib Pub & Cafe.”” While in all reality the only reason it’s near as nice as it is probably because of the ‘food channel’  it’s a fun place to visit and chill in because of the wilderness around it. ~remember all pictures can be brought up to full size by clicking on them~

Below is a close up of the water where the rivers meet. It was raining on and off all day around the area. Soon as Reuben and I pulled up to the “beach” area the clouds opened up sending the tourists and other people scrambling for cover and leaving us and the few “tough” people to enjoy the views! Our timing was perfect I must say *Smile*

 

The beach was nice with its pebbled shores and open air feel. The clouds were doing some very cool light tricks that looked more akin to something out of Lord of the Rings than small town Alaska.

I took this rather dramatic picture of Reuben in the rain 🙂 Looking very Jo-cool with his shades and wet hairdo. The picture isn’t screwed up – its individual raindrops! Go camera

And me of course! In my Tracker hat and cool leather coat (I was feeling a cold coming on so I tried to stay warm). Reuben comment that I looked very “Alaskan” with my hat plaid and leathers…LOL

River of course was present and having a great time getting quite wet! I snapped this funky angle picture as she paused momentarily on the rocks.

The pebbled shores of the beach! The rocks were very engrossing to both Reuben and I. Some weren’t all the way wet and we watched the colors change as the rain fell. Was a nice experience.

The clouds put on a light show that I as I now reflect upon, it was like nature’s fireworks for while the sun was out (up here it doesn’t really get dark enough for fireworks on the 4th…). The rays of the sun coming though the clouds, dancing on the dappled water surface and creating a drama worthy of Shakespeare. Was very beautiful.

The camera did a pretty good job of capturing the rays from the sun filtering through the rain clouds, but I must say it was way better in person!

Reuben on the log left over from long ago. It was the only one out along this part of the river.

Close up of the log. It’s obviously well-loved among the people and many have left their mark on it.

Reuben against the brilliant backdrop!

And…Me on the log. I like all these cool ancient logs up here! I am drawn to sit upon them and think deeply.

River and I smelling the air, feeling the wind in our hair, tasting the rain drops as they fell on our heads.

I took quite a few photos of the plant life in all its glory around the area. Like these yellow ferns! I love ferns. I would have a garden of ferns before flowers or roses. For whatever reason they are very appealing to me.

 

Riverbank Fireweed (I believe). It’s so pretty! The other Fireweed grows much taller out among fields and woods like grass, whereas the Riverbank Fireweed is much more shrub like and low-lying.

Closeup of petals against a white speckled rock. I love the contrast of the vivid color on mundane off white! (click for full size!) I got pretty camera happy at this point *smile*

Closeup of the Fireweed Flower. I’ve never really photographed plants or flowers closeup (or much at all) I think I did a fair job of it. For a “weed” these guys sure are pretty!

A very wet River sniffing river rocks! She really enjoys the outings though doesn’t pose for pictures well..

“Arctic Lupine” is a gorgeous periwinkle flower that grows like dandelions here.

Raindrops on leaf. I forget which plant this leaf belongs to..I was more interested in the water drops at the time. It was no longer raining and just misty and humid.

The Arctic Lupine up close! I love the detail here ~even the little cobweb!!!

A patch of Arctic Lupine along with the cottonseed seeds. Arctic Lupine is not an edible flower though some types of Lupinus flowers are and used in place of soy.

As I mention before, Talkeetna is a little odd.. like this sign for instance.

 

  Talkeetna is full of pretty little touches that often only touristy towns have. Like flower boxes on restaurant windows, little flower gardens on the street corners and cute mushrooms like this! Love it even though I’d never have the time nor need for such little things I do enjoy them. Kudos to the people of Talkeetna for making it looking extra pretty in the summer.

 

Cute artsy things like these painted and decked out moose were all over the place!

Gravel patio for one of the coffee shops. Complete with colored moose, flower boxes and lawn chairs 🙂

This was the sign for the only bar & pub in town! Poor River wasn’t welcome (though someone did say if she was drinking age she could come in). We put miss River in the car and found one of the eatery’s that was open that also had a menu to our tastes. The Sky High Pie (pizza) was appealing to Reuben but I wasn’t as interested. We ended up at the Rib Shack with the Axe Ale that was very tasty for a light beer and boasted a 9.2% alcohol volume! For a light beer made with honey that is impressive!

For our grand final of light shows there was this eye dropping double rainbow that kicked most firework shows asses! The camera doesn’t capture the light and intensity of the colors. But this is one of the better shots.

The three wet travelers! A postcard worthy picture! I took this of us from a reflection on the hostel front windows. The camera died (batteries) immediately after taking this shot, thus ending my happy snapping and sentencing me to try to remember the details for late! Was overall a great trip and awesome 4th that didn’t include bars, bonfires or people. (and only dinner and a 1/2 tank of gas).

Possible changes

The summer is half over, the days will slowly get shorter and the rain more frequent. The world is always changing it seems.  The cotton seeds are falling and blowing all over the place (seriously sometimes one feels as if she cannot breath with all the fluff in the air). I’ve an interview for another job as a part-time Pilates instructor (wouldn’t that be interesting?) to bring in some more income and better my own physical health (the whole core strength thing you know). I’ve my fingers crossed for this would be really good because my current job as a dog trainer for pet~smart is not giving me consistent hours nor trying very hard to do so. So after months waiting for things to “get better” and meetings and finally calling in the district manager to see what and was possible..they’ll get their butts in gear or I’ll be looking at a different line of work very shortly. Ah more possible changes. But for now I will remain the dog trainer and hope that this part-time gig works out!

Sadly I seem to be getting sick again..after close to two wonderful months of not being sick I’m pretty bummed out about this. I take an ungodly amount of vitamins and healthy food on a daily basis. But it seems to be rather hard for me to stay un-sick. I think the stress of the job and the whole adjusting to city life are at large here! Either way I have an apt with Dr. Chris tomorrow (was originally just a check in for meds) but if I need something stronger than vitamin C I’ll get it. Really can’t have strep for the third time this year..just can’t do it. Or whatever cough condition I’ve had four times… SO anyone feel like sending me some healthy thoughts? Pass em this way it seems I need them!

Well I have to prepare for said stressful job (and it’s not the dogs that bite me, teaching classes to people who maybe should have a thought a little bit more on whether or not they needed to get a puppy right now..or dealing with crazy owners that I find stressful – it’s the company). But I have more photos and adventures to mention! River and I stay busy with things to do 🙂