A ReRemembered fact about my life ~ Not for the faint of heart.

I came to a realization the other day. From friends telling me I’ve said this before means that I have actually had this revelation more than once.. but each time due to my memory loss it’s like the first time. Not terribly fun but I guess I at least have the memories that I’ve forgotten, they are just buried and someone or something has to trigger them to come up again. Anyway, back to my realization of a revelation that I’ve had more than once. The people I am attracted too are all some kinda messed up. Even when I purposely date someone with a very different personality just to get away from my past bad choices I find out that I’ve just found another messed up person and it really is me who is picking the messed up, shallow and soulless guys. Awesome.

I’ve had all kinds of immature little boys who have no clue about..well anything. I seem to find those guys who want to be “friends” and call you whenever they need a friend. But as for a real relationship at the time he says he likes his life of singledom and don’t want anything serious – only to find that ‘serious’ one a few weeks later. So it’s not a case of not wanting to date, it’s a case of not wanting to date ME. Would be so nice if he could just man up and TELL me he isn’t into me. But they never do. Fuckers.

I get all kinds of nice guys who want to date me, but I’m just not their kind of girl. I don’t want to get married. I’m not religious and I’m not going to their church even if Hell freezes over. I don’t want kids. I don’t want a goddamned white picket fence in the suburbs. I don’t actually like family functions (I barely survive my own) why the hell would I want to have dinner with his family EVERY Sunday??? Nice guy material I am not. Hell most of the ‘nice’ guys run away when they realize I really am a redheaded heathen their Godsfearing mothers warned them about. But whats more is I’m not even very good at finding nice guys, I find assholes and ‘little’ boys and party animals. Now I do think most women have similar problems. But I know most haven’t made the seriously worse decision of the their lives that one just is not going to get over. In fact I’m still trying to figure out how I’m actually supposed to live with this.

I fell in love with a Psychopath.

Dexter the serial killer (TV show) is a hero and I found his older brother. All of my bad choices just don’t measure up now. I mean I’ve continued down this road of bad decisions. After my Psychopath I found my delusional  Addict. After Brad I’ve just opted to not date (or live with) anyone since. I’ve had a few ‘maybes’ in Alaska, but usually it turns out they have a harder time dealing with life then I do. So I feel like I’d just be repeating history. The people I’m attracted to have just as many if not more problems than I do. They are recovering alcoholics. They have a past history of drug, sex and a few other addictions. If that isn’t bad enough, the ones that I get more than a little concerned with is the Schizophrenia types, the mental illnesses and the more horrifying signs of psychopathic tendencies (yes there has been more than one).

Not getting into the deep and dark reality of what my amazing ability to find -the scum of the earth to attempt relations with – has changed me, How can I trust anyone and more importantly how do I trust myself that I’m not just following the path straight to loony land (again). So being single sounds like a really intelligent plan for well the rest of my life. Course my heart has other ideas. But I really don’t think I should take it seriously or follow it.

Everyone (yes I mean everyone) is very quick to tell me I can’t let my Psychopath change me, can’t let him influence my life, make my decisions by him..bla blah. REALLY? I mean lets just think for a second (even though you haven’t a prayer of actually knowing what it’s like) what if you had loved an insane killer. Not just someone who HAD a screwed up past, or beat you, or any other fucked up thing people often do to each other. But a Psychopath who killed your Mom? Please do tell how you would continue your so-called life?  I’ve got a very obvious answer, a lot of people simply wouldn’t. So don’t crucify me that I’m horribly changed by my terribly heinous choices. Just be fucking happy I’m here (you could always try supporting me too). The more people I meet who are just really FUCKED up by things that I now don’t even notice with my own crap pile life experiences, the more I realize whatever kind of life I live; if I don’t go insane, hurt anyone (like for real not just with my crazy words) and don’t end up in another messed up relationship  I’m a freak of nature. So I have C-PTSD, insomnia and anxiety, oh and serious relationship issues. Go me. At least I’m single and not dating a mafia crack dealer (the money might nice though – Chinese every night!) and I remember (sorta) why I’m so screwed up in the first place. Not to mention really not boasting that much medication (some stuff to help me sleep and for my back)- no SSR’s for me.

Every time I remember this wonderful fact of my life I can’t help but wonder what exactly I’m supposed to do with it? No one likes it when I talk about it. My family like to pretend that I wasn’t actually in love with the Fucker. My friends give me empty shallow words and occasionally try to empathize (in which case I promptly shut up so I don’t insult them too much with their stupid assumptions and retarded rationalizations). So I tell River and read books about fictional characters who are more messed up than me (it’s really hard to find real ones) and sometimes write about it on here. Though now I’ll probably get phone calls about my state of mind. Oh well. Lets worry about the things we can’t change instead of the ones we can.


3 thoughts on “A ReRemembered fact about my life ~ Not for the faint of heart.

  1. Learning to live with yourself before taking on another relationship is a reasonable goal. You are out here to regroup, heal or just try to come to terms with this horrible series of events in your life that have occurred. I know it’s a horrible cliche but sometimes it gets really dark before the best times of your life. Usually when you least expect it, you will stumble upon a partner who is willing to deal with you and all your crazy (and otherwise) quirks and emotional needs.

    My mother swore that she would not even think about dating for two years after getting out of an abusive relationship and almost to the date 2 years later she stumbled across my dad and has been with him since. In my case it took me being in a car accident and being stuck home bitter and angry that created a random set of events that helped me meet my future husband.

    Certainly not hard facts guaranteeing anything but you maybe you should set aside the search for a soul mate and just concentrate on healing yourself. When you are ready and probably least expecting it, your soul mate will find you.

  2. You can talk to me about it, if you want to. I don’t think you’re being depressing.

    Please remember, this is not a problem with YOU. It is not some innate flaw in your personality. You are just trying to learn how to navigate a world that so far has given you a bunch of really messed-up experiences.

  3. Thanks Amy, we should talk either way! I miss you.
    I’m very tired of winning the world’s fucked up lottery.

    ~Becky I actually am not looking for anyone in any shape or form let lone a soul mate, certainly not what I was trying to say. Just that friends, people in general seem near impossible for me to deal with and a guy in the mix and it’s just a nightmare sometimes. I purpose haven’t dated anyone seriously and mostly not at all in over a year because of everything, so I totally know what you meant by taking some time off. Not sure if I’ll ever want to try again. And What I mean by my heart seems to have different ideas at times is something I’ll probably explain soon, but basically someone is trying to convince me to try. And I of course think that is just a horrible idea. Anyway, thanks so much for your thoughts, and we should do coffee. ~J

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