Now that I am basically recovered (not quite dancing, but soon) I am back to my routine long nights. Its late. I cannot sleep as usual. I never sleep normally. I lay awake, summer and winter. Hot and cold. Hungry from not eating all day or too full from a heavy dinner. Sometimes completely alone – not even my dog is with me at points in my travels. Other times next to someone I love, I can hear their breathing, I am comforted that I am not physically alone, yet feel guilty that my dreams will likely wake them up. No matter the day or who is with me, I lay quietly, wishing for sleep. Alone in my head, my thoughts often silent, but sometimes whirling.
Some nights I am nothing but apathetic. Others I am filled with emotions that have no name. Often I have no words to share and no tears appear. I simply sit in the dark. Burdened with the knowledge that this is how my brain deals with the reality that is and still functions. Grateful that I still know my name.
Most often I am in silence. At times there is music or crickets and the sounds of the woods. Other times the deafening sounds of the city at night.
I think about Mom.
I think about the past.
I think about the future.
I think about the present.
I think about my family.
I think about some of the worst things that could happen to a person, that have happened to me.
I think about some of the most unlikely and amazing things in life, that have happened to me.
And I think about nothing at all.
I don’t like to complain. I hate the resigned tone of my friends and loved ones when they ask how I am and the answer is usually the same if I choose to give it, ‘tired’. I take the crestfallen look of my people who hold hope for me straight to my heart. I feel like a broken record, ‘can’t sleep, tired’, ‘nightmares’, ‘still can’t sleep, tired’. I’m pathetically predictable like that.
Some people are proud of me, that even broken I am still me. They see that while I do fail, I am as honest as I can be. That even though I am intense, I’m compassionate. Others are horrified and sad, always worried that I won’t cope because I am broken and therefore no longer me. That I am lost, even though its through wandering that I have found my soul’s home. That I am unforgiving and selfish, even though my hardest lesson is that I have to take care of myself and not everyone else.
I watch the sunrise. I listen to the world wake up. Another day is here, another night has passed. Maybe now I’ll sleep. Either way I’m still here. Surviving. Loving. Living the only way I know how.
Don’t take your sleep for granted ~ J