My current state of living

So, update on the possible homeless situation and the coming decisions about moving. First off I will not have to move out of my current place until end of January (provided the landlord doesn’t pull something wacky). So I thankfully will not be couch surfing again quite so soon and will have a much better chance to get things in order for the coming move.  I’ve pretty much made up my mind that I am moving, and that it will likely be Seattle. But I guess it is possible for the location to change. When I moved to Alaska and took my current job the plan (what plan I had) was to live here for a year, stay in same job and do well, try to figure out a bit more about how I am going to live with myself and to revisit my location and job options once the year was up. Well the year mark was in October. So I more than made the ‘plan’. And now the revising is in order. With some of the things I really want to do and see in the next year, I think that living somewhere in the lower 48 is the best course of action along with family time and a few other considerations. I notified my managers that I would be moving on possibly within a month, maybe a little longer. They of course are trying to find ways to keep me on and trying to get more time. But I feel that if I need to move by February that a month is more than enough notice. So unless I feel it is better, I am looking at beginning of February to move out of state.

Thankfully I didn’t have to take anyone up on the help you’ve offered me but know that it means a lot to me. More on the Holiday events soon. ~J

Moving, ideas and thoughts?

So it is official, I have to move out. Now the question is (besides when of course) is where exactly I will ultimately move to? Dare I stay in state to keep my rather low paying job that I really like but has no benefits beside that River works with me? Or do I move on to Seattle where I’ve my aunt Michele (purple auntie) and friends including Reuben? Or do I end up somewhere else entirely? Oh the questions and the things I have to figure out/decide. It’s maddening. I’ve to move possibly by January 1st or more likely by end of January. Just depends on the landlord. So if it is sooner I may have to take some you nice people in Anchorage up on your offers to aid me. River and I really don’t take up much room and aren’t picky. But I know from previous experience that many are not okay sharing a couch or floor past a day or two if at all.

I do like my job, and love it here but I am also very tired of struggling with Alaska’s housing issue and the lack of decent doctors. I know for a fact that Seattle is on of the best places in the states for medical things and I would have the ability to maybe get to the bottom of my immune problems and maybe even have a plan for my back. There would also be more therapists who might know what to do with me. Having a family member in the same town to drag my ass around if need be would also be wonderful. Not to mention a bit easier to visit family and have them visit me. But again, I kinda like Alaska, I mean that is why I am here… But maybe some changes need to happen I just don’t know.

Dad seems more comfortable with me either staying in Alaska where his lifelong friends can be of help or have me back on the East Coast. For some reason he seems rather against Seattle. I have a thought that it may be because he is assuming that I am considering it because of Reuben who moved there in August. But while it’s great that Reuben is where I am thinking of moving, I can assure you that if he lived in Texas or somewhere I wouldn’t move to, I wouldn’t go. End of story. So Seattle has multiple reasons. Besides relocating altogether I don’t actually have a good reason NOT to move to Seattle. So should I move out of state, it will 98% likely be Seattle. I know that many of the problems I am currently having here in Anchorage I will have wherever I go, housing, friends who don’t give a shit about you, medical bills and difficult choices. Jobs that don’t pay you enough or give you what you really need. And of course all the crap I deal within myself on a daily basis. I rather hate decisions like these where there is NOT a best answer or even ideal. It has been a year since I laid eyes on my horses, brothers and sister and every family member besides those in Bethel and Grammy Gail. With the travel prices I won’t see them anytime soon. Alaska does feel like home though. I am torn. I am also in dilemma of how to trust me ‘gut’ and emotions since I pretty much shredded any faith I ever had about well..anything since my life ended and survival started. For starters I am most interested in what will make me feel the most okay and what I can stomach if it turns out to be the wrong decision. Probably not an ideal way to make ones choices in life but I do what I can.

So input is greatly appreciated. Particularly where I am questioning my rational mind.

I will update when I know the date I have to move by. ~J

And…I might be homeless soon

Yet again I find myself in the peril of being possibly homeless. One of my two roomies moved back in with her parents the end of November. Since mid November other roomie and I have been searching for a roommate to no avail. It seems finding a reliable roommate right before the Holidays is not easy at all. At first we had an idea of who we wanted to live with, now it’s whoever can pay in January and isn’t a creeper. Still. It’s not looking good. We cannot pay everything yet again with just the two of us.. meaning in January River and I would be homeless (but at least have a car this time..) AGAIN. Damn I have horrible time with this. Maybes I am meant to live in the woods, though decidedly not during an Alaskan winter…

SO, if anyone in the Anchorage area know someone who is looking to rent a really nice room, in a really nice house in a really nice part of Anchorage (complete with a garage) please let me know. Otherwise anyone okay with couch surfing? Hostels don’t take dogs or I wouldn’t ask at all.

I’ve been on the fence with how much longer I planned on staying in Alaska, but this not at all how I envisioned making a decision. But I guess we don’t get to choose much in life, only how we are going to deal with the storm. Even worse case being I’m homeless in 2 weeks and everyone turns their noses up at lending a hand, I really want to leave my job on excellent terms..meaning I’d want to give at least a months notice. Not to mention I’m going to have a hell of a time saying goodbye to me dogs.  So I’m by no means going anywhere. It’s just all up in the air.

I was thinking of Seattle if I chose to relocate in the next 6 months. Thoughts? Course it might not be summer time and planned anymore… I’ve my amazing aunt Michele who lives in Seattle with her husband Dave. I have quite a few Tracker and Coyote Tracks mates in the greater Seattle area. Also, one of my best friends from here in Alaska – Reuben now lives in Seattle. So I not without people there. And family is a little more accessible there then Bethel to Anchorage. Which would be quite nice. But I don’t know. I like Anchorage too, even if the city and people have been difficult as of late.

J

A ReRemembered fact about my life ~ Not for the faint of heart.

I came to a realization the other day. From friends telling me I’ve said this before means that I have actually had this revelation more than once.. but each time due to my memory loss it’s like the first time. Not terribly fun but I guess I at least have the memories that I’ve forgotten, they are just buried and someone or something has to trigger them to come up again. Anyway, back to my realization of a revelation that I’ve had more than once. The people I am attracted too are all some kinda messed up. Even when I purposely date someone with a very different personality just to get away from my past bad choices I find out that I’ve just found another messed up person and it really is me who is picking the messed up, shallow and soulless guys. Awesome.

I’ve had all kinds of immature little boys who have no clue about..well anything. I seem to find those guys who want to be “friends” and call you whenever they need a friend. But as for a real relationship at the time he says he likes his life of singledom and don’t want anything serious – only to find that ‘serious’ one a few weeks later. So it’s not a case of not wanting to date, it’s a case of not wanting to date ME. Would be so nice if he could just man up and TELL me he isn’t into me. But they never do. Fuckers.

I get all kinds of nice guys who want to date me, but I’m just not their kind of girl. I don’t want to get married. I’m not religious and I’m not going to their church even if Hell freezes over. I don’t want kids. I don’t want a goddamned white picket fence in the suburbs. I don’t actually like family functions (I barely survive my own) why the hell would I want to have dinner with his family EVERY Sunday??? Nice guy material I am not. Hell most of the ‘nice’ guys run away when they realize I really am a redheaded heathen their Godsfearing mothers warned them about. But whats more is I’m not even very good at finding nice guys, I find assholes and ‘little’ boys and party animals. Now I do think most women have similar problems. But I know most haven’t made the seriously worse decision of the their lives that one just is not going to get over. In fact I’m still trying to figure out how I’m actually supposed to live with this.

I fell in love with a Psychopath.

Dexter the serial killer (TV show) is a hero and I found his older brother. All of my bad choices just don’t measure up now. I mean I’ve continued down this road of bad decisions. After my Psychopath I found my delusional  Addict. After Brad I’ve just opted to not date (or live with) anyone since. I’ve had a few ‘maybes’ in Alaska, but usually it turns out they have a harder time dealing with life then I do. So I feel like I’d just be repeating history. The people I’m attracted to have just as many if not more problems than I do. They are recovering alcoholics. They have a past history of drug, sex and a few other addictions. If that isn’t bad enough, the ones that I get more than a little concerned with is the Schizophrenia types, the mental illnesses and the more horrifying signs of psychopathic tendencies (yes there has been more than one).

Not getting into the deep and dark reality of what my amazing ability to find -the scum of the earth to attempt relations with – has changed me, How can I trust anyone and more importantly how do I trust myself that I’m not just following the path straight to loony land (again). So being single sounds like a really intelligent plan for well the rest of my life. Course my heart has other ideas. But I really don’t think I should take it seriously or follow it.

Everyone (yes I mean everyone) is very quick to tell me I can’t let my Psychopath change me, can’t let him influence my life, make my decisions by him..bla blah. REALLY? I mean lets just think for a second (even though you haven’t a prayer of actually knowing what it’s like) what if you had loved an insane killer. Not just someone who HAD a screwed up past, or beat you, or any other fucked up thing people often do to each other. But a Psychopath who killed your Mom? Please do tell how you would continue your so-called life?  I’ve got a very obvious answer, a lot of people simply wouldn’t. So don’t crucify me that I’m horribly changed by my terribly heinous choices. Just be fucking happy I’m here (you could always try supporting me too). The more people I meet who are just really FUCKED up by things that I now don’t even notice with my own crap pile life experiences, the more I realize whatever kind of life I live; if I don’t go insane, hurt anyone (like for real not just with my crazy words) and don’t end up in another messed up relationship  I’m a freak of nature. So I have C-PTSD, insomnia and anxiety, oh and serious relationship issues. Go me. At least I’m single and not dating a mafia crack dealer (the money might nice though – Chinese every night!) and I remember (sorta) why I’m so screwed up in the first place. Not to mention really not boasting that much medication (some stuff to help me sleep and for my back)- no SSR’s for me.

Every time I remember this wonderful fact of my life I can’t help but wonder what exactly I’m supposed to do with it? No one likes it when I talk about it. My family like to pretend that I wasn’t actually in love with the Fucker. My friends give me empty shallow words and occasionally try to empathize (in which case I promptly shut up so I don’t insult them too much with their stupid assumptions and retarded rationalizations). So I tell River and read books about fictional characters who are more messed up than me (it’s really hard to find real ones) and sometimes write about it on here. Though now I’ll probably get phone calls about my state of mind. Oh well. Lets worry about the things we can’t change instead of the ones we can.