Why I haven’t written

I’ve been plain horrible about writing lately. There are a few factors involved beginning with my moving out of my apartment and dealing with work and lining up places to stay, taking care of River who contracted a mild case of Kennel Cough (I wanted to make sure it stayed mild) and of course the biggie, dealing with myself. So it all leads to not keeping the blog current.  I believe I covered the various cases of coming homelessness before but the latest has resulted in us actually moving out this time. Unable to find a 3rd roommate, other roommate wanting to jump ship and of course money concerns (people were wanting me to pay more than the agreed upon amount) we ended up breaking lease (goodbye deposits) and here I am. Originally I thought I would be working till the 12th of February and just couch surf for the last two weeks. But work being the bastards that move slower than three-legged turtles don’t even have my replacement coming back from training till the 18th. So I told them the 21st is my last day. Planning on flying out to Seattle on the 23rd, the day the plane ticket was going to be bought my Aunt Suzi (from Bethel AK) informs me that she will be flying into Anchorage the 24th and wants to see me. So I am now leaving the 25th. This has been more complicated than I thought needful but now that everyone is happy (well except all the Anchorage people who don’t want me to leave and Dad who doesn’t support my move) it seems the move date is finally SET. Now about that plane ticket (just have to get River’s papers in order before then)!

I have quite a few great friends in the area who have offered me housing till I head out. It seems I will land south of Huffman up the hillside to house sit and dog sit for starters (Thank you Kathy and Dave!) and if all goes well I won’t have to jump ship till my aunt comes in (when I will stay with her to get my quality time in) and if for some reason I do I seem to have a few options still. River of course will be in tow. I’m mailing a few things ahead and will fly the clothes and little everyday things I need with me at the end of the month. Things that I can’t bring will be left in the car which I am planning on parking somewhere till the snow is gone. As of right now the plan is to fly back early summer, do some much craved sight-seeing and camping, hopefully get some family and friends from the lower 48 to join and then drive the Subaru back to Seattle. I don’t have much stuff so in theory things should go smoothly.

That is the quick update for now! Oh and my original phone number is now working again!

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For the friends in my life

Some of my more recent posts talk about feeling alone, having a hard time relating to people and some not so steady friends drifting away. I wanted to correct any misunderstanding that some may feel and give due thanks where it should be said. I was already plotting this out in my head when a few more friends and people that I know have said or done some pretty freaking amazing things for me. So now this post is just overdue…

I’ve a lot of friends and family that have drifted out of my life, stopped wanting to be part of my life or just plain ignore me. But there are others who have really made life still worth it.

I know it’s easier for most people to not deal with the impossible of my reality and I don’t find fault in that, even if I feel personally hurt by the withdraw. I am sometimes impossible to be around, not very sociable, don’t accept help very well not to mention the years I’ve been stuck in a place of probably needing help so what help I do accept I fear some think it’s not noticed or that I am thankful. So it makes those who continually weather out my life all the more important to me.

Most of you know about Lorien and how her friendship has really kept me afloat. Her mother Barbara has also been irreplaceable. I’ve friends scattered all over who have supported me, called me, write to me and still help me in any way possible even though I am difficult. Amy has been a gods-send. The Phillips family just amazing. Quite a few Coyote Tracks and Tracker people have really stuck with me. Quite a few of my parents friends around the country are really amazing and helpful. Eileen and Vincent who have had me stay with them multiple times to name a few names. Friends in Tennessee and a few newer friends in Alaska and other states have really touched me. And then there are the people who started out as clients with horses and dogs who befriend me and are incredibly generous to me. Even my physical therapist decided I was worth knowing. Saying thank you never seems like quite enough. I probably couldn’t get all the names I should have written down for those who have done something for me over the years. The ones I feel humbled by are those who even after years of me still count me as someone important to them. Words are hard to come by.

And for my family, words are also hard to come by for many.

I have some great people around the world even when I feel most alone, I am thankful for you all.

The one person who I can’t talk to

Sometimes I have this feeling, this urge to say something to someone. But every time I try to find the right time to say it, the right person to listen, the moment that feels right, it’s..just not right. Sometimes this goes on for a couple of hours. Sometimes this goes on for days, occasionally weeks and rare cases months. The desire never goes away. The underlying feeling that the words stuck in my head need to be said. There is time that I feel as if I am being slowly driven insane. I never find the right person to tell my words too. And when I really let go, when exhaustion has claimed me and all sanity gone I realize why I can never find the person who will listen.  I realize that the answer has been in the forefront of my mind since the thought began. That it was my very mind who filed the thought away so I wouldn’t connect the dots to the answer. Because the answer is so much harder than the notion that I have no one to tell.  The truth for once is just too much and my brain shields me from it.

The person who listens, the person who these words are for is no longer here. She is Renée. She is my Mother. She is someone special to each and everyone who knew her. And she is gone. She has been gone for a while now. But every time I have something important to say, it is her that I desperately wish I could tell. I now know that few people take the role that Mom did for me. That all the people in the world and only a few do for their people what she did for me. She could listen to your hopes and dreams and be with you all the way without putting her ideas on top of yours. She could listen to the most far-fetched idea, and you would come away feeling that there was a new hope that it could be true. Nothing was ever stupid or too little in her eyes. Somehow she inspired people to move mountains. Mom might not have had a strong academic gift in the general sense, but you knew she understood things way beyond what most of the ‘geniuses’ do.

To say there is a hole where she used to just sit and listen in my life…is possibly the biggest understatement I have said yet. Even with the wonderful family members and amazing friends I’ve known, there are some things that I really just want to tell one person and one person only. But she isn’t here.  So I put it the side. Something about we have to live life and all that jazz. But on nights like this, it comes up. I can write like I am now, and I might feel a teeny bit better. I can call someone who knew Mom as well as me and basically blab about how I wish I could talk to her. I could draw and turn my mind completely away from the pain. But it never changes. The way I feel doesn’t change. Many told me that first year that things would be better someday. Mostly I believe we are all better at hiding our pain. But it hasn’t changed for me. I don’t think it’s changed for anyone in my family, just buried deeper. I don’t want people to see or understand anymore, I now know they cannot. No matter what they have had happen, they won’t quite get my story. A part of me realizes that it is good that  this kind of darkness hasn’t touched many. It doesn’t help with the selfish part that is me trying to survive this pain.  It just is, my own sort of hell I guess. I know my brothers bare this too. All we can say to each other is ‘me too’ with a slight shrug. The way of those who beyond words

Years and the feeling hasn’t changed a bit. It sits where my heart is supposed to be solid and strong. I think it’s in pieces. It just festers with the knowledge that this pain and guilt is my reality.

I hope everyone finds there ‘person’ they talk too. And they are something like Mom.

~J

For those who have been trying to contact me!

So, if you’ve called, texted or something of the like in the last week or so, I haven’t gotten them. Not me being anti social. My phone has been off due to the family switching plans. It was only supposed to be for a day or two. But dues to messy phone problems it’s been a week and isn’t going to be working for a while. So! Email, FB or here is where you can talk to me. I have no way of checking anything phone service related and won’t for possibly another week or so. No need to worry if you can’t get a hold of me just no phone.

 

Oh and its really freaking cold here lately. At the moment it’s -5 and supposed to get colder. While not that cold for Alaska, it is for Anchorage.

 

~J