Today

Is really pretty out. The long days of light are already noticeable and it’s just started! The animals are coming out of their burrows and dens. I expect baby moose sightings may soon be had. The foothill range that back Anchorage is always doing something amazing with it’s peaks. Clouds, fog, mist and blowing snow are often casting shadows and interesting contrasts. The weather is a damp 40-60 degree day and chillier nights. I love it. I wish had a bit more time to go on about the sights, but I had to put something up about it. Work has me busy these days so I’ve less time to catch the dancing cloud formations. But I smile when I do. I have my window open a lot, I hear the birds, they are very different from the ones in Eastern Tennessee. I don’t always know whether the sounds I’m hearing are even birds, some of them are rodents and the Ravens can make some strange noises. It’s very cool to to try match the sound with the animal.

Today the light on the mountains is a sight to behold. I smile at smell of last nights rain and the clouds drifting along the peaks.

Some thoughts

While I try to keep some happy posts in here to show that it’s not all bad and that I’m not focusing on just the pain, sometimes I just have to say whats really going on. And it’s not happy, it’s not pretty, it’s not easy to hear (or read in this case) and there are no quick fixes and “it will be better soon” to smooth it over. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes there ARE NO WORDS. This seems to be one of those times for me.

See the daily struggle of “where will I sleep” and “how will I get my next meal” and “will I make enough money this month” is a great way to distract ones self from the inner pain. But Now that I’ve got a place to live, a car and a job (I must doing something right) the pain can start to bug me and tell me it’s not forgotten me… The pain consists of memories that I can’t quite handle, thoughts I’d rather not dwell on, a grief so great there is no measuring it and a void that is the black hole in my mind where all the good things end up, leaving me in silence with a pain I don’t know what to do with. And I’ll call people at four in the morning because they said they want me too when I feel like this. And I say, “I’m sad, so distraughtingly sad, and I don’t know how to “be” let lone do with such intense emotions. They don’t know to say either. I love them for listening, for picking up the phone and not telling me that I just need to get over it.  Even though they’ve no words, no wisdom of what the fuck I’m supposed to do now, they help because they’ll listen to my grief ridden words of nonsense and babble. And I love those friends and family who will answer the phone at such odious hours.

The last couple of days all  I do is sleep. It’s like my soul is given up and just wants sleep the pain away. If I could actually cry I would bawl myself into a senseless exhaustion every night, but all that happens is tears, hot bitter tears run down my face as if it’s raining grief and for hours I lay awake in an agony of grief. I’ve a feeling I wouldn’t notice a knife in the chest for the amount of pain that already resides there. I’m buried alive with grief and nothing can dig me out. My brother’s faces come to mind. Gods I miss them. Their wonder beautiful faces. I cannot be there with them and ease their pain and that bites. I can only hope that know I love them and I want to be with there them and will again when I can. But the phone calls and text of “when you coming back?” cut a little deeper each time. I hope they can one day understand on some level that I had to go and that I partly had to go for them.  And that it’s because of them I’m still here and fight with the demons inside my head to stay and be true to this life.

It’s hard, I’m not sure people quite understand that word actually come to think of it, but it’s HARD to be here, in life when it’s been cruel and twisted, when everyone I ever needed let me down. When I’ve been betrayed in ways I’m not sure I knew were possible. Even before she was taken away life wasn’t easy and light. People suck and some of those people like little kids who can’t do anything about it. Mom was that light in the darkness that already existed for me. To have her taken away from me and my wonderful family who needed her so, by someone who I thought was a friend, who was part of the family, someone who I thought loved me. Betrayal doesn’t seem to encompass what I’m trying to say. So life in any context is HARD. Most people have no words, no tangible thoughts that actually have depth to them of the one “incident” let lone the entirety of the situation.

Since I’ve been working on this for 3 days I guess I’ll post it and write more later.

A Quicker for you

My life has taken a busy turn – not for the worst though! I was sick as I mentioned in my last post and am slowly getting better. I’m pretty sure just not sleeping is what got me sick. I have a date set up with a therapist in May that is supposed to help me figure out how to cope with such things. I’m also busy with Physical therapy to try to help me back and other fun appointments that seem to take way more time than they should! Good news is that Dentist found nothing wrong with my teeth and I won’t  have to grace his office again for another six months YAY!

Occasionally my car has an over heating fit that I’m trying to figure out..since changing the oil is beyond me it’s quite a task..thankfully there are people in my life who know about these things and try their best to help 🙂 So Thank you Dave Williams and friend Nathan that put up with my phone calls and come fix my car and make it run again without blowing up.

So cranky cars, meds that mess with my moods and make me ADD like you’ve never seen.. Doctor appointments (and bills) out the wazoo and just plain bills…I’m still kicking and still busy as ever. I had a for real date the other night, it was kinda cool. Haven’t had one of those in…(place large sum of time) and it was interesting, that bit of time for one evening is what most people are striving for and obsessing over in life.. didn’t seem like that big of a deal to me! Clean one’s self up, look good (or as good as one can possibly look) have a drink, watch a movie, get a bite to eat with the hopefully attractive opposite sex and if your lucky you’ll have something interesting to talk about. Not that hard. Or at least not in skewed world. I did have fun though 🙂 don’t know if he’ll ever go out with me again but hey Life is about the Journey so that’s okay with me. I’m hoping to write a bit about my wonderful new casa including some pictures soon! But right now I have to jet off to PT.

No words

I feel like shit today. I’m sick again (probably due to the lack of sleep) and have a lot things I need to take care of. Instead doing those things I sit in bed sick (today I realized that if I don’t take off I’m going to stay sick..) and sad. With this much time and no one to talk to (I can’t really talk myself because of my voice) all I can do is think. I read, sleep, make tea, live in the bathtub and think. I want to slap the thoughts right out of my head. They do me no good. They bring pain, a heartache so deep, so full of despair that my words cannot capture the darkness even though I try. Tears course down my face. My throat is too tight to speak. I don’t have the words I need to say. Every time I get sick I get a sore throat and lose my voice. Personally it makes sense that always happens since even when I’m not ‘sick’ I can’t speak what I really need to say, that I don’t have a voice that is heard even when it is there. More tears run down my face. Ever soaked an entire pillow from crying? And then your own shirt? And still have tears dripping off your eyelashes? Not one sound escapes. Just silently crying a river. I’m pretty sure I could die of dehydration from just crying. Just when I think I’m done, it starts up again. I feel like I could choke on the darkness surrounding my throat. Like wire blackened and oily with age so tightly wound that no one can even grasp it let lone rid me of it. I bang my head against the wall. I just want the thoughts to stop. I CAN’T do ANYTHING with them. People always telling me what to do, how to do deal, like they’ve fucking been here with this pain. “Let them go, forget, move on, think about good things, accept them and release them” urrgh. If I could don’t you think I gods dam would have by now? Absolutely none of this is enjoyable. If I could do any of those things to lessen it I would have. So many people just tell me to stop, to not blame myself, to be happy for her sake and so forth. Those words mean nothing compared to what I hear in my head. I’m too weak to just stop thinking that way. Everything is Bittersweet. Nothing is black and white. My pain is a new fresh wound opened and an old scar festering away everyday. With every thought of what might have been and what should be and my sad excuse for what is I want to scream. Me with no voice wishes to scream. Laughable. Pathetic and sad. I don’t like catching my haunted eyes in the mirror, I don’t like the disdained look upon my face that is directed at me when I can’t say what needs to be said.

I sit here alone with River. What would I do without her amazing little furry self? I have no words to speak aloud even if I had someone I felt like I could call or talk to. It’s times like this I wonder why I try to make friends. No one wants to listen to such horrible reality. No one wants to witness pain and suffering. No one knows what to say. Who could blame them?  My fury has lessened. I have no more that I can feel to say. Back to my dark thoughts and the twisting paths I’m found upon.

Chronic pain

So some of you may have heard a little bit about my back and hip pain. For those of you who might be confused I’ll back track a bit.. In 2002 I had a horse flip over and land on me – yes land and not fall… Thereby fracturing my pelvis in 4 places and my tail along with my collar-bone. While everything ‘healed’ I still had problems and other injuries because of the original one. Throughout my teens I repeatedly sprained my ankles and dislocated my left hip. I also had some of the worst shin splints a kid can have. I learned many many tricks to managing and dealing with joint and bone pain. Now fast forward to now and all those tricks, massage and chiropractic aren’t doing quite what they used to. Add new weird back pain and Joannie goes to the doctor to find out what is happening. Both hips dislocated at will and spots in my pelvis that shouldn’t move do. I’ve unhealed fractures in my lower spine. The chronic pain worsening wasn’t all in my head. At the moment I’m doing a few different therapies to try to help the problem and ease the pain. I’m managing the pain right now with medication and diet primarily. Many people were against me trying medication. I understand the concerns but as someone who has lived with pain since she was a kid, I think I can tell you when it’s beyond my ability to function with it. And honestly the pain was depressing me more than life and its shitty self here lately. So The last week or so I’ve been spacey about writing on here, returning phone calls and such because of lack of sleep and adjusting to the new meds. I’m officially a space cadet! The sleep thing is still pretty bad and I’m set up to see a doctor about it in the near future. But as chronic pain goes, I have it, been having it and it’s not pretty. So if anyone wants to send some blue and green light to my lower back feel free! And while I know many are concerned with the medication, I just ask that you have some faith in me! I’m a little too hard-headed to be a full fledge addict..

A new twist

I have a house. Wow is it real? Can it be? Shit if I know but it seems so. Some great friends (Eileen and Vince) have let me stay in their guest room on occasion (remember the great part?) they also own their own business and one of their favorite employees has been apartment hunting with no luck. So it turns out I am now renting a duplex house with two other nice ladies! It didn’t come furnished so it’s back to my dog bed and duffel bags for me. Maybe if I’m lucky my family will send me my pots and pans and some more blankets. Since the other roommates will be bringing their stuff when they move I don’t feel the need to buy much. Though I finally broke done and bought a coffee cup.. Yea for tea! So my stint of homeless and bouncing around may be over! I sorta downplayed the “homeless” part of my days here in Alaska so not to worry my family quite as much. But there were a few times I truly didn’t know where I was staying or with whom. I will say it puts a whole new prospective on life. And It’s also shown me a few things about other people. Many, MANY people have been like, man your crazy or why don’t you just go home? Why put yourself through this? WHATS WRONG WITH YOU??? People of both genders and all ages have said such things to me. Some are friends who know me and others are strangers on the streets. So why have I been doing this to myself? Why am I here roughing it out in the wilds of Alaska? Why do I go hungry and cold and trek for miles in snow to get to my job? Why do I quash the little bits of my heart breaking every month that passes that I cannot see my dear brothers and little sister? That I am apart from my beloved horses?

It’s pretty simple actually. I’m being as true to myself in this moment as I possibly can. Sadly I cannot do that the Farm right now. For reasons I don’t need to delved into right now I simply CANNOT. I’ve had many a person tell me I just need to suck it up, deal with it, and make do  and live there. There is one small factor all those people are missing.. I would NOT LIVE. I feel very truthfully that there are a few places that would be detrimental to my life. And while I am not happy about it – the Farm and eastern Tennessee is one of them. And as someone who has been through numerous types of pain and survived many things that others HAVE NOT, I know the when I say I CANNOT LIVE there right now it’s the truth whether I wish or not. It’s not an understatement and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. The people who have said such words to me I have a hard time talking to or being around them. I figure there a few ways I can look at their words, one, they are truly ignorant and have no comprehension of the situation and probably don’t know what else to say. Two, they are in complete denial of the situation and I should be far away from them. And three, they don’t take me seriously, they don’t understand and are useless to me because they don’t even KNOW me.

So I live in whatever way is most honest in that moment in time. The only time I deter from this is at my job where I keep a smile and find something to be happy about so that I am a good employee and can sell training classes (I like helping the doggies so it’s good for now). I don’t compromise, I don’t settle, if it’s not working (living space, people I’m around, place I’m at, job, ect) I’ll start moving on. Life is TOO FUCKING SHORT to stay in a crap place (whatever context it may be). I’m not doing myself or anyone else any good-by staying in a rut. I’m always trying to figure out how to break the current rut I’m in, how to improve myself in a place I haven’t before. I was recently booted off a “so-called” friend’s floor at 4:30 in the morning because they changed their mind about me staying the night after being out on the town. I’m still not real sure why since I was just sleeping..and had stayed there before. Anyway, a few people in the this wonderful group made quite a few comments about me not being peppy and happy and basically a drunk idiot.. (oh and I don’t hang with the dicks anymore) Names get thrown my way all the time, downer, frowney, grouch and so on. While I may not smile all the time  ~ I’m not lying out of my ass and pissing my life away. I would much rather be the sober one in the corner whose in deep thought (not smiling like a loon) and aware of LIFE then one of the dumb sheep going along with the slaughter. So because I don’t want the easy sheep life, I don’t want to settle and I am true to myself, I follow MY path. MY journey, wherever it takes me. Ever notice that a real journey goes through some dark and awful places? That the path twists and turns and doubles back? So sometimes I am homeless. Sometimes I am hungry. But sometimes I am at the top of the world closer to the truth than most I know. And wherever my path takes me, it’s my journey so I’ll stick with it thick and thin.

April 4th

I’ve been super twitchy and unable to sleep. I think I know why now, this time of year is just AWFUL. March is when mom was killed. April was when people finally started going home and things really began to fall apart. April 4th seemed liked the worst day ever the first time it came around after mom was gone. A MONTH. A whole month had actually gone by? No hugs from her? No singing in the kitchen as she made breakfast? No ‘what are we going to do this summer?’ plans. No big Easter celebration. Just NOTHING but how much time had passed. Somehow April 4th was worse than the first birthday for a kid without her, the first Christmas she wasn’t here for and the turning of seasons. It was the first major slap in the face that she was NEVER coming back, that this had really happened and she really was gone. That this was life. The relatives had gone home, a friend wasn’t there 24/7 now and it was reality. Beside maybe March 4th 2010 no other day has been quite a mark like April 4th. And even the year after and now the second year after, it’s still stab to the heart. The day you couldn’t pretend it was all a bad dream. That we could wake up from the nightmare – no the horror movie our lives had turn into. But no April 4th said it was real. Maybe this is why I am sad lately Because it’s April 4th.

Random tangent

Not sleeping lends to not writing it seems. Whether the time of year, or just stress catching up to me I haven’t slept in DAYS. And that’s not a joke. I actually went to the health clinic today to see if they could give me something to help me out. I really don’t like to take meds, but I REALLY need this job and can’t really afford to not be functional. So I guess I’ll suck it up. Though I find it highly amusing that quite a few family members and friends are like NOOO don’t take medications!!! You’ll get addicted! When a few years ago they wanted to give me EVERYTHING in the book-like against my will… But  now when I’m like “I am falling apart and need a break to deal and be functional” they aren’t happy about it.. funny indeed. Anyway, I never have had a addictive personality and I don’t plan on it now. Personally the fact that I’ve made it this far through hell without any issues says that I will never not have the self will to do what I need to do. Or at least that’s how I see it, and a few good friends have said similar things.

So a few people have written to me in the last couple weeks, what do I want to hear for feedback on the blog, why they don’t write (because they don’t know what to say) and other similar questions. So I thought I would try to address this confusion a bit.  First off, I don’t “need” to hear anything, as much as I would love feedback on what I write, I’m writing for me so in the end it doesn’t matter as much. Though I will state this- I try to write more happy and positive stuff when I know people are reading what I say.. Anyway, comment if you like, comment about whatever you want! What you think, what you feel, ect. Though if you really have a beef with anything I say maybe just email me? I’m not looking change people’s minds, or have you feel sorry for me. I’m just expressing myself. Take it how you like. I will say this, I get the “everyone” goes through this at some point in their lives” bit EVER DAY. Guess what it doesn’t help me. That idea I’m not alone? First off it’s an illusion and secondly it’s DOESN’T make me feel better. Not in the least. So if that is all you want to say, I probably will just nod my head and think “thanks for reading”.

As for not saying anything because you just don’t know what to say. I UNDERSTAND. Gods know if I was listening to someone else that had been through what I had I wouldn’t know what the fuck to say! What can you say when there are no words? Anyone who has a friend that has lost something they never have should be able to understand that. I don’t judge, begrudge or feel angry that you cannot find the words. And when those of you who do find something to express to me and usually can’t, it’s that much more special, it’s that much more deeper and true because it’s from you. And I cannot thank-you enough that you care and find it in yourself to try to share.