No words

I feel like shit today. I’m sick again (probably due to the lack of sleep) and have a lot things I need to take care of. Instead doing those things I sit in bed sick (today I realized that if I don’t take off I’m going to stay sick..) and sad. With this much time and no one to talk to (I can’t really talk myself because of my voice) all I can do is think. I read, sleep, make tea, live in the bathtub and think. I want to slap the thoughts right out of my head. They do me no good. They bring pain, a heartache so deep, so full of despair that my words cannot capture the darkness even though I try. Tears course down my face. My throat is too tight to speak. I don’t have the words I need to say. Every time I get sick I get a sore throat and lose my voice. Personally it makes sense that always happens since even when I’m not ‘sick’ I can’t speak what I really need to say, that I don’t have a voice that is heard even when it is there. More tears run down my face. Ever soaked an entire pillow from crying? And then your own shirt? And still have tears dripping off your eyelashes? Not one sound escapes. Just silently crying a river. I’m pretty sure I could die of dehydration from just crying. Just when I think I’m done, it starts up again. I feel like I could choke on the darkness surrounding my throat. Like wire blackened and oily with age so tightly wound that no one can even grasp it let lone rid me of it. I bang my head against the wall. I just want the thoughts to stop. I CAN’T do ANYTHING with them. People always telling me what to do, how to do deal, like they’ve fucking been here with this pain. “Let them go, forget, move on, think about good things, accept them and release them” urrgh. If I could don’t you think I gods dam would have by now? Absolutely none of this is enjoyable. If I could do any of those things to lessen it I would have. So many people just tell me to stop, to not blame myself, to be happy for her sake and so forth. Those words mean nothing compared to what I hear in my head. I’m too weak to just stop thinking that way. Everything is Bittersweet. Nothing is black and white. My pain is a new fresh wound opened and an old scar festering away everyday. With every thought of what might have been and what should be and my sad excuse for what is I want to scream. Me with no voice wishes to scream. Laughable. Pathetic and sad. I don’t like catching my haunted eyes in the mirror, I don’t like the disdained look upon my face that is directed at me when I can’t say what needs to be said.

I sit here alone with River. What would I do without her amazing little furry self? I have no words to speak aloud even if I had someone I felt like I could call or talk to. It’s times like this I wonder why I try to make friends. No one wants to listen to such horrible reality. No one wants to witness pain and suffering. No one knows what to say. Who could blame them?  My fury has lessened. I have no more that I can feel to say. Back to my dark thoughts and the twisting paths I’m found upon.

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3 thoughts on “No words

  1. oh, Joannie.
    My heart aches for you. I know I am not the only one, too. I am so sorry you are sick. Sure is hard to ‘heal’ and ‘regain strength’ when it is sapped from you by illness.
    It seems like when people use the word ‘heal’ what they don’t always recognize, I think, is that ‘healing’ leaves terrible, ugly, disfiguring sometimes, scars. But those scars are less exquisitely painful than raw oozing wounds. They can be lived with. There has to be scars. Scars mean being farther away ‘in time’. It took me a long time to learn that doesn’t have to mean ‘removed’.
    (I’m not saying you want to keep hurting. I am saying that I want you to get well so you have the strength to regain, redefine, discover ‘Joannie’.)
    I don’t often say the right things, sometimes have said nothing when I should have said volumes, but
    having been on the receiving end of ‘I know how you feel’ and ‘you need to be the Strong One’ and ‘you need to move on’… you will NEVER hear those words from me.
    I promise.

  2. I am here to listen, as well. Not too long ago I was experiencing some of the worst emotional pain I’d ever felt – and I was so mad at myself because it’s been 2 years since my bad thing. I want to be “over” it or at least in a happier place – but I’m not and I’m having a hard time realizing that it will take years and I may never totally heal from it. I, too, have gotten mad at people who tell me to “get over it” or “think happy thoughts”. It’s not that easy and PTSD is its own thing. It’s biological and and chronic PTSD takes a LOT of work and healing to get to a better point with it. Hang in there and don’t be afraid of meds to help – I resisted them for a very long time and I finally have had so much emotional pain that I caved in and told my doc I needed some stuff to cope. They’ve been helping, they’re a low dose so they don’t take away “me” but they do help with the intense emotions. I’m always here to listen if you should have need, and I’m always thinking about ya 🙂

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