I feel like shit today. I’m sick again (probably due to the lack of sleep) and have a lot things I need to take care of. Instead doing those things I sit in bed sick (today I realized that if I don’t take off I’m going to stay sick..) and sad. With this much time and no one to talk to (I can’t really talk myself because of my voice) all I can do is think. I read, sleep, make tea, live in the bathtub and think. I want to slap the thoughts right out of my head. They do me no good. They bring pain, a heartache so deep, so full of despair that my words cannot capture the darkness even though I try. Tears course down my face. My throat is too tight to speak. I don’t have the words I need to say. Every time I get sick I get a sore throat and lose my voice. Personally it makes sense that always happens since even when I’m not ‘sick’ I can’t speak what I really need to say, that I don’t have a voice that is heard even when it is there. More tears run down my face. Ever soaked an entire pillow from crying? And then your own shirt? And still have tears dripping off your eyelashes? Not one sound escapes. Just silently crying a river. I’m pretty sure I could die of dehydration from just crying. Just when I think I’m done, it starts up again. I feel like I could choke on the darkness surrounding my throat. Like wire blackened and oily with age so tightly wound that no one can even grasp it let lone rid me of it. I bang my head against the wall. I just want the thoughts to stop. I CAN’T do ANYTHING with them. People always telling me what to do, how to do deal, like they’ve fucking been here with this pain. “Let them go, forget, move on, think about good things, accept them and release them” urrgh. If I could don’t you think I gods dam would have by now? Absolutely none of this is enjoyable. If I could do any of those things to lessen it I would have. So many people just tell me to stop, to not blame myself, to be happy for her sake and so forth. Those words mean nothing compared to what I hear in my head. I’m too weak to just stop thinking that way. Everything is Bittersweet. Nothing is black and white. My pain is a new fresh wound opened and an old scar festering away everyday. With every thought of what might have been and what should be and my sad excuse for what is I want to scream. Me with no voice wishes to scream. Laughable. Pathetic and sad. I don’t like catching my haunted eyes in the mirror, I don’t like the disdained look upon my face that is directed at me when I can’t say what needs to be said.
I sit here alone with River. What would I do without her amazing little furry self? I have no words to speak aloud even if I had someone I felt like I could call or talk to. It’s times like this I wonder why I try to make friends. No one wants to listen to such horrible reality. No one wants to witness pain and suffering. No one knows what to say. Who could blame them? My fury has lessened. I have no more that I can feel to say. Back to my dark thoughts and the twisting paths I’m found upon.