April 4th

I’ve been super twitchy and unable to sleep. I think I know why now, this time of year is just AWFUL. March is when mom was killed. April was when people finally started going home and things really began to fall apart. April 4th seemed liked the worst day ever the first time it came around after mom was gone. A MONTH. A whole month had actually gone by? No hugs from her? No singing in the kitchen as she made breakfast? No ‘what are we going to do this summer?’ plans. No big Easter celebration. Just NOTHING but how much time had passed. Somehow April 4th was worse than the first birthday for a kid without her, the first Christmas she wasn’t here for and the turning of seasons. It was the first major slap in the face that she was NEVER coming back, that this had really happened and she really was gone. That this was life. The relatives had gone home, a friend wasn’t there 24/7 now and it was reality. Beside maybe March 4th 2010 no other day has been quite a mark like April 4th. And even the year after and now the second year after, it’s still stab to the heart. The day you couldn’t pretend it was all a bad dream. That we could wake up from the nightmare – no the horror movie our lives had turn into. But no April 4th said it was real. Maybe this is why I am sad lately Because it’s April 4th.

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