A new twist

I have a house. Wow is it real? Can it be? Shit if I know but it seems so. Some great friends (Eileen and Vince) have let me stay in their guest room on occasion (remember the great part?) they also own their own business and one of their favorite employees has been apartment hunting with no luck. So it turns out I am now renting a duplex house with two other nice ladies! It didn’t come furnished so it’s back to my dog bed and duffel bags for me. Maybe if I’m lucky my family will send me my pots and pans and some more blankets. Since the other roommates will be bringing their stuff when they move I don’t feel the need to buy much. Though I finally broke done and bought a coffee cup.. Yea for tea! So my stint of homeless and bouncing around may be over! I sorta downplayed the “homeless” part of my days here in Alaska so not to worry my family quite as much. But there were a few times I truly didn’t know where I was staying or with whom. I will say it puts a whole new prospective on life. And It’s also shown me a few things about other people. Many, MANY people have been like, man your crazy or why don’t you just go home? Why put yourself through this? WHATS WRONG WITH YOU??? People of both genders and all ages have said such things to me. Some are friends who know me and others are strangers on the streets. So why have I been doing this to myself? Why am I here roughing it out in the wilds of Alaska? Why do I go hungry and cold and trek for miles in snow to get to my job? Why do I quash the little bits of my heart breaking every month that passes that I cannot see my dear brothers and little sister? That I am apart from my beloved horses?

It’s pretty simple actually. I’m being as true to myself in this moment as I possibly can. Sadly I cannot do that the Farm right now. For reasons I don’t need to delved into right now I simply CANNOT. I’ve had many a person tell me I just need to suck it up, deal with it, and make do  and live there. There is one small factor all those people are missing.. I would NOT LIVE. I feel very truthfully that there are a few places that would be detrimental to my life. And while I am not happy about it – the Farm and eastern Tennessee is one of them. And as someone who has been through numerous types of pain and survived many things that others HAVE NOT, I know the when I say I CANNOT LIVE there right now it’s the truth whether I wish or not. It’s not an understatement and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. The people who have said such words to me I have a hard time talking to or being around them. I figure there a few ways I can look at their words, one, they are truly ignorant and have no comprehension of the situation and probably don’t know what else to say. Two, they are in complete denial of the situation and I should be far away from them. And three, they don’t take me seriously, they don’t understand and are useless to me because they don’t even KNOW me.

So I live in whatever way is most honest in that moment in time. The only time I deter from this is at my job where I keep a smile and find something to be happy about so that I am a good employee and can sell training classes (I like helping the doggies so it’s good for now). I don’t compromise, I don’t settle, if it’s not working (living space, people I’m around, place I’m at, job, ect) I’ll start moving on. Life is TOO FUCKING SHORT to stay in a crap place (whatever context it may be). I’m not doing myself or anyone else any good-by staying in a rut. I’m always trying to figure out how to break the current rut I’m in, how to improve myself in a place I haven’t before. I was recently booted off a “so-called” friend’s floor at 4:30 in the morning because they changed their mind about me staying the night after being out on the town. I’m still not real sure why since I was just sleeping..and had stayed there before. Anyway, a few people in the this wonderful group made quite a few comments about me not being peppy and happy and basically a drunk idiot.. (oh and I don’t hang with the dicks anymore) Names get thrown my way all the time, downer, frowney, grouch and so on. While I may not smile all the time  ~ I’m not lying out of my ass and pissing my life away. I would much rather be the sober one in the corner whose in deep thought (not smiling like a loon) and aware of LIFE then one of the dumb sheep going along with the slaughter. So because I don’t want the easy sheep life, I don’t want to settle and I am true to myself, I follow MY path. MY journey, wherever it takes me. Ever notice that a real journey goes through some dark and awful places? That the path twists and turns and doubles back? So sometimes I am homeless. Sometimes I am hungry. But sometimes I am at the top of the world closer to the truth than most I know. And wherever my path takes me, it’s my journey so I’ll stick with it thick and thin.

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