Random tangent

Not sleeping lends to not writing it seems. Whether the time of year, or just stress catching up to me I haven’t slept in DAYS. And that’s not a joke. I actually went to the health clinic today to see if they could give me something to help me out. I really don’t like to take meds, but I REALLY need this job and can’t really afford to not be functional. So I guess I’ll suck it up. Though I find it highly amusing that quite a few family members and friends are like NOOO don’t take medications!!! You’ll get addicted! When a few years ago they wanted to give me EVERYTHING in the book-like against my will… But  now when I’m like “I am falling apart and need a break to deal and be functional” they aren’t happy about it.. funny indeed. Anyway, I never have had a addictive personality and I don’t plan on it now. Personally the fact that I’ve made it this far through hell without any issues says that I will never not have the self will to do what I need to do. Or at least that’s how I see it, and a few good friends have said similar things.

So a few people have written to me in the last couple weeks, what do I want to hear for feedback on the blog, why they don’t write (because they don’t know what to say) and other similar questions. So I thought I would try to address this confusion a bit.  First off, I don’t “need” to hear anything, as much as I would love feedback on what I write, I’m writing for me so in the end it doesn’t matter as much. Though I will state this- I try to write more happy and positive stuff when I know people are reading what I say.. Anyway, comment if you like, comment about whatever you want! What you think, what you feel, ect. Though if you really have a beef with anything I say maybe just email me? I’m not looking change people’s minds, or have you feel sorry for me. I’m just expressing myself. Take it how you like. I will say this, I get the “everyone” goes through this at some point in their lives” bit EVER DAY. Guess what it doesn’t help me. That idea I’m not alone? First off it’s an illusion and secondly it’s DOESN’T make me feel better. Not in the least. So if that is all you want to say, I probably will just nod my head and think “thanks for reading”.

As for not saying anything because you just don’t know what to say. I UNDERSTAND. Gods know if I was listening to someone else that had been through what I had I wouldn’t know what the fuck to say! What can you say when there are no words? Anyone who has a friend that has lost something they never have should be able to understand that. I don’t judge, begrudge or feel angry that you cannot find the words. And when those of you who do find something to express to me and usually can’t, it’s that much more special, it’s that much more deeper and true because it’s from you. And I cannot thank-you enough that you care and find it in yourself to try to share.

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2 thoughts on “Random tangent

  1. I am not worried about you ‘becoming addicted’. I am worried about you not sleeping. If meds can help that, then, by all means, get meds/help. Gotta sleep.
    As to ‘everyone goes thru this..’ nope. don’t think so. We have all lost, we have all lost ‘an only one’ -but no one else has ever had YOUR relationship with Renee Miller. There are no other ‘yous’ and no other ‘hers’. You aren’t the only one that lost Renee. You ARE the only one that lost your relationship.
    And ‘lost’ is pretty final, just like having it to begin with. Only you, both ways.
    (and I am still reading. And I still don’t really know what to say, but I am still reading and thinking of you)

  2. Don’t worry about becoming addicted. With my own PTSD I fought against using meds for years. Now that the emotions have started to intrude on my every day life (work, school, family, etc, and they are very painful emotions, too), I have finally caved in and told my doctor what was going on and what I needed from her. She prescribed me meds I was comfortable with and had taken to a certain degree before for different things (Elavil worked for bad sciatica from lifting patients and being in a car accident, and now has its use as a “happy pill” for my bad days, though I have to take it every day now instead of just when I’m in crisis mode). The meds don’t completely block the emotions I probably need to be able to feel again, but they do stop the major overreactions of the emotions I have been experiencing. I’m on the lowest doses and it’s not risky for me to be on them for a few months. I would also highly recommend them on this dose to anyone else who should have a need for it. Let me know how it works for you – they are making life a little more bearable for me currently.

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