Sleepless Thoughts

Now that I am basically recovered (not quite dancing, but soon) I am back to my routine long nights. Its late. I cannot sleep as usual. I never sleep normally. I lay awake, summer and winter. Hot and cold. Hungry from not eating all day or too full from a heavy dinner. Sometimes completely alone – not even my dog is with me at points in my travels. Other times next to someone I love, I can hear their breathing, I am comforted that I am not physically alone, yet feel guilty that my dreams will likely wake them up. No matter the day or who is with me, I lay quietly, wishing for sleep. Alone in my head, my thoughts often silent, but sometimes whirling.

Some nights I am nothing but apathetic. Others I am filled with emotions that have no name. Often I have no words to share and no tears appear. I simply sit in the dark. Burdened with the knowledge that this is how my brain deals with the reality that is and still functions. Grateful that I still know my name.

Most often I am in silence. At times there is music or crickets and the sounds of the woods. Other times the deafening sounds of the city at night.

I think about Mom.

I think about the past.

I think about the future.

I think about the present.

I think about my family.

I think about some of the worst things that could happen to a person, that have happened to me.

I think about some of the most unlikely and amazing things in life, that have happened to me.

And I think about nothing at all.

I don’t like to complain. I hate the resigned tone of my friends and loved ones when they ask how I am and the answer is usually the same if I choose to give it, ‘tired’. I take the crestfallen look of my people who hold hope for me straight to my heart. I feel like a broken record, ‘can’t sleep, tired’, ‘nightmares’, ‘still can’t sleep, tired’. I’m pathetically predictable like that.

Some people are proud of me, that even broken I am still me. They see that while I do fail, I am as honest as I can be. That even though I am intense, I’m compassionate.  Others are horrified and sad, always worried that I won’t cope because I am broken and therefore no longer me. That I am lost, even though its through wandering that I have found my soul’s home. That I am unforgiving and selfish, even though my hardest lesson is that I have to take care of myself and not everyone else.

I watch the sunrise. I listen to the world wake up. Another day is here, another night has passed. Maybe now I’ll sleep. Either way I’m still here. Surviving. Loving. Living the only way I know how.

Don’t take your sleep for granted ~ J


3 thoughts on “Sleepless Thoughts

  1. Wow! Joannie, you are amazing… Your poetic writing, your ability to put into words what others can’t even imagine, you’d willingness to share with the world your feelings and thoughts, are all talents that surpass so many of us! Thank you for that. I am so lucky to have you as my neise and honored to be your Aunt!
    With Love,
    Aunt Suzi

  2. OOPS – typos from my iPhone just now seeing as I am in front of my computer!
    The “you’d” was suppose to be “your”…. and the word “neise” was suppose to be “niece”!!!

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