The tears no one sees & the pain in my heart no one hears.

The dark days are ahead. About this time the memories start to stir, to flicker in and out of sight but never fully leaving. It starts with an uneasiness that won’t go away. I myself become more withdrawn and a cloud of sadness seems to follow me.  I do not like these times. Such much pain comes back.

I just found out that Jackie was involved in a car wreck with some friends on their way to get food. The SUV flipped at least 3 times and is scrap metal. Thank the gods everyone had seat belts on and only minor scrapes is the list of injuries. My mind whirled with how close I had unknowingly almost lost a brother. I’m so SO happy he is just fine and his usual stubborn self is here with us. But the feeling that he was so close to dying lingers. Maybe I just can’t let go and be thankful for what I do have like many have hedged at. But to my way of thinking, we’ve already lost quite a few people and that anyone could be next. So how would I deal with it? With Jackie, my big beautifully handsome little brother I don’t think I could deal and be sane. My Brothers and Sister mean the world to me even when I am so far away. Losing just one would tear apart the pieces of me that are left and big enough to shred.

I’m so so beyond words that Jackie is just fine. But I am crying anyway because of how close he came to not being so okay.  All I can really do I know, is to tell the idiot to drive with safer people, KEEP wearing those seatbelts and try to make the best choices he can. I’m his big Sister though, so I want to make everything okay for him and keep him safe if I could. I have concerns along these lines with all the kinds, and the little ones I feel like I should be there, with them, for them, so that they know I love them. It sometimes feels like staying one more day away from them will kill me. But the idea of going back and facing that area and a few people (not family) and the memories there…is so much that I don’t know if I could survive it let lone be a good sister who the boys and Janna deserve. So I stay in limbo and nights like this I cry. They depth of despair in my heart makes black holes come to mind. The dogs I am house sitting have spread about the floor as I type. Keeping their doggy things quiet sensing that I need to get this out in as much peace as possible.

I don’t talk on the phone enough to the kids. I need to write more to them. I haven’t seen anyone in over a year now – since Dec 2011. I feel such a deep pool of guilt festering in my soul for not doing what needs to be done. I’m a coward for not visiting them. I hate that they suffer because of me. I have been tying so hard to muster the nerve I will need tenfold to make the journey and not just be thing crazy awful person for them. The older one’s say the know it’s not them, but I know that they don’t quite understand how it is for me, and then begin to assume that it has to be them. I hate that everything I do and say doesn’t make it any easier  or clear for them. Times like this, I despise my weakness. I’m not worthy of their love now. Someday I hope I will, soon.

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