The Holiday months are incredibly hard for people who don’t have those important loved ones that make or break said Holidays. My family is no different in this area. Emotions run deep and feelings are very mixed from intense sadness and anger to indifference and a desire to remember ‘the good days’ or just run from everything. I know within myself I waiver from sadness and a desire to be left alone to wanting to do all of Mom’s favorite things to keep her impact alive. Obviously being away from the family means there isn’t much for me to do as Mom did so I tend to keep to myself. I have never been much of festive person, Mom always said I was the family’s party pooper back when life was whole and the world made sense. I had a very different way of ‘being’ then most people and simply watching and listening was often more than enough for me. Not that I didn’t enjoy myself, I did and once I got out of my awkward stage of not wanting to be in social groups at all (I think most teens experience something of the sort at some point) I really enjoyed the special “Mom” traditions she had created. Even when everyone is having a good time and I am enjoying just being in the corner watching, a very large part of me is intensely sad. I’ve a feeling my dear Brothers (the first 3 anyway) have a similar situation. Even though in the moment is good, there is a hole that cannot be filled, much bigger than a mere puzzle piece missing but instead akin to chapters upon chapters in a novel taken out before being read and never have gone into print. If our lives were a book, no one would have published it, there is just not enough understanding in the world to fill in what has been ripped out. Everyday that has any kind of mark that is easily remembered is shadowed with times that should still be. People are very quick to say that we have to try to let ourselves have fun, to enjoy what we can. but what 99% of naive do-gooders that just hurt with their desperate words of no insight – have no concept of; the fact that we even still mark the day, the fact that Holiday dinner is still fucking cooked, the fact that we don’t burden others with our dark anguished thoughts and instead smile when we’d rather break all the china IS us doing the best we can to smile and celebrate. If I did what I felt like doing on those days, I would NOT answer the phone. I would NOT go to anyone’s place for dinner. I wouldn’t do anything but sit alone in the dark and try not to think at all. So even though I sit in the corner and hardly say anything to the group, I do go, I do smile and be polite and not tell others of my dark thoughts and painful memories. Its plain awful to.. well about 99% of the people for effort. But right now it’s all I can drag myself into.
This Thanksgiving I got invited out the Williams house in the Valley. I of course went. Showed up fashionably late due to someone spinning their car out of control on a bridge and blocking traffic. But River and I made it. Dave (Mr. Williams) has been a long time friend of Dad’s, the kids call him uncle Dave. His daughter Katie I’m friends with since moving to Anchorage. Ms. Williams, a friend of their family and their neighbors were all with us for dinner. I was pretty quiet an action I’m sure they weren’t fond of, but Katie knows me pretty well and didn’t expect anything but from me. In fact she was my partner in crime for sleeping on the couch instead of chit chatting and play board games I’ve never heard and really do see why they are called a game to begin with.. Now if Apples to Apples or a real game had been employed I probably could have stomached the incessant talking for a round. But as it was I watched the snow and played on my computer and napped. Very lazy anti social of me I know. All in all I enjoyed having dinner at the Williams. I can only hope that didn’t dislike having me over too much.The food was great and I got some leftovers.
It snowed quite a bit on Thanksgiving and Black Friday. Driving back into Anchorage from the Valley the clouds had a break and the sky was making all sorts of amazing paintings with the light and color.
Christmas is much worse than Thanksgiving so I have a feeling my anti social ways will get worse. But I have agreed to go to a party as Stepanie’s date (we’ll make a cute couple for sure LOL) so I”l get out some.