The saddest Birthday

Today Mom would have been 53. November 12th.  If the world were still whole everyone would have done something sweet and meaningful for her. Jesse usually got up early (often dragging me out bed with him). Made an amazing breakfast usually included perfectly warmed rare steak, crepés, rice pudding or some other favorite creation that we would whip together before she was even awake. Coffee with tons of Bailey’s in bed. Jackie and Jeremy often dealt with the kids so she didn’t have to do anything till she felt like it. All the little kids made her cards, poems and love notes from scratch. Dad would prance around the house as silly as could be or if he was on the slope he would call multiple times before noon. Mom’s favorite movies were often dragged out, surprise birthday gifts from all. Super nice dinner that I made of all her favorite and requested foods, birthday cheesecake, Bailey’s cake, coffee ice cream, special made  bakery items from Tellico Grains Bakery that Anissa would make on request. And anything else she could possible want for desert. Sometimes friends were included, in the more recent years was just family and the Myersons. Dad once sent her an amazing collection of flowers that everyone was envy of when he was stuck on the slope. Mom’s birthday’s were always well celebrated. She loved every minute of it. Always proclaiming to have to best children a Mother could ask for. Every child had his or her own special way of making sure she blatantly knew how much we love her.

Now it’s a maker worse than Mother’s day. Another year gone by without her. It doesn’t hurt less. It doesn’t make any more sense then it did the first year. Those that say time heals everything know NOTHING of loosing someone close. You hide it better. You plaster a smile on so no one asks whats wrong. If you’ve ever been burned badly enough that the pain turns into a numb ache or maybe if you’ve experienced frostbite you know of that awful ache right before the intense consuming pain hits. That is loosely how our hearts feel. Like a limb taken, you learn to live without but you never forget the whole feeling nor stop wishing for it. You never are the same, the wound heals just enough that life continues but is never useful or solid again. It’s a hole in the soul that will never close. An old wound that can barely be called a scar. Many want us, need us to move on for their sake. We often act like we have some semblance of life so as to pacify the friends and family who cannot accept or understand that there is just no healing, no getting over whats been done. I’ve stopped trying to explain, to ask people to understand, to hope that they might see and stop telling me how I need to live my life now. More often than not I can’t help but feel that the mere fact we’re alive should be enough to celebrate.

I try everyday as I know my brothers and sister do to make choices and to live lives that make her smile. But most days we think it’s a success when we don’t completely lose it or silently cry ourselves to sleep. I for one am very bitter on both Mom’s and my birthdays. I didn’t get to spend that last one with her. We had a plan for next year that never happened. Everyone has the same line, you couldn’t have known this would happen, you can’t go there. My response is of course, do you think that helps??? Do you think it makes me feeling even a once better? No. Not even close. I believe that the biggest difference is that someone chose to make this happen. Not some random criminal on the streets, not god or whomever you pray to or chance. But some fucktard that we used to call human and friend, some of us even family. I can’t explain it. But I know from the look on my family’s faces they agree. It doesn’t make sense. It will never be okay or not hurt so much. I use to consider myself fairly intelligent. follow the chain of events that brings chaos about. 3rd birthday without her and no one is any closer to answers.

A Mother was never loved (in my opinion) as my Mom is. My heart bleeds for my siblings that don’t get to say that in person today. For my Father, my Grandmother and her sisters. All those who knew her.

It’s not happy anymore, but it’s Mom’s Birthday.

Dec 2008 in the Cherokee national forest. She would probably comment about getting old or some silliness but to all of us she was just as glamorous here as she was when Jesse was a baby and 10 years ago. No one thought she was a day over 40 and her energy that of a 30-year-old.

World’s Best Mom was Renée Roissier Miller.


4 thoughts on “The saddest Birthday

  1. well i have no idea. i’ve only lost my mom’s grandparents, helena’s dad, fellow teammate to accidental overdose? & my elementary bff’s brother (lance) who died a few wks after being born. so i think if we celebrate you mom’s life, it might help. lets no longer cry about that b-day that you never got to celebrate how about all the awesome things she did with you rugrats.. i mean you were home schooled, sweet. i read your typical mom b-day i cried a little bit, because i don’t celebrate b-day’s & forgot my mommykins, oh my poor mom, but i made up by celebrating whenever i feel like saying, hey thanks what a bitch to birth a 8pound, large headed baby in the middle of ohio’s worst winter storm?! then you have to breast feed them? ugghhhh motherhood, a love i don’t care to understand it sounds unbearable. so your mom’s heart was so huge she had to adopt some more children just to share her gift with the world, sounds insane but admirable.. my goodness i need to go to sleep. anyway to sum this up me & joannie will be celebrating renee’s b-day all around anchorage tonight & whenever we feel like celebrating mom’s.

  2. fuck me knew not new.. crying is way underrated. i cry whenever i want.. i call it cry therapy, if you miss a family member that has passed way too early & unexpectedly…. well unless you want to talk shit to mother earth & punch nature.. you should just cry, whenever the spirit moves you.

  3. This blog is really heart felt. Honestly, I cried and it brought me back to that day. When you write, you never fail to let the reader know how you truly feel. You and your dad both. I still never know what to say, only I miss her too. And remember the last time i saw her. It’s saddening. Everyone has their own way of coping. And honestly, I still can’t believe what happened happened. It breaks my heart too. You mom loved your famiily as much as your family loved her. I’m sure she was grateful for all that you did. I know i would be. Your mom’s energy was so much fun and when I go back and remember, I think about the fun times and the moments when she taught me to ride.

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