I’ve fallen into a rut. A emotional, lonely, unchanging rut. I go to work. I try to sleep. I make myself go out when I can summon the energy. I walk the dog and try to remind myself to eat. I do it all over again. I hardly see anyone outside of work. About 98% is my fault so I by no means am blaming others for my imposed isolation. I don’t blame any of my friends here who have stopped asking the very blah redhead to join them. I get sick of myself. Emi has been one my few people who don’t care that I’m down, sick and pretty much no fun. But she is leaving for FL on Thursday. For good. In the last 3 weeks I’ve seen Emi, Katie and Dave (Katie’s Dad). I’m a hermit.

I don’t really know how to get myself out of this funk anymore. I basically have no desire to do anything. Everything seems to require TOO much energy that I don’t have. Work pretty much takes everything I have these days. More often then not I don’t feel that I can stand by the stove for 20 minutes to make dinner. Ordering food is not healthy and expensive so I limit that. Usually I eat oatmeal and call it good.

I would turn my nose up and walk away from the person I am. Just apathetic, no fun, no energy and sign of changing. I would rather go back to bed then go into work. But either way my back hurts so I guess I need to go make money for the medical bills.


3 thoughts on “Apathy

  1. I have days, sometimes weeks like that at times. It’s hard because I want to be fine on those days but I don’t know how, and I feel like family and friends think I should be “over it all” by now. I saw a great quote the other day: “we cry not because we are weak, but because we have been strong for far too long.” It reminds me that I put on a brave face for 2 years after I went through what i went through, and I did not take the time to grieve. Now emotions are coming into play and I don’t know what to do with myself at times. I get frustrated and I wouldn’t want to be friends with me, either. It’s hard to keep sight of my goals and how much I have achieved many a time, but I try my hardest. Hang in there, and I’m always here if you need anything.

  2. This may be redundant but are you taking vit D supplements? You will need 5,000 to 10,000 units a day up here. The darkness/winter depression is hard on the mind an body every year and you don’t have a chance unless you are taking supplements here. I totally know what you are going through. Only thing that keeps me active this time of year is work and my family forcing me out of the house. Otherwise I would be a garden slug of apathy.

  3. I am indeed taking Vitamin D. Usually I really like the snow so I suspect it is more of a general lack of feeling, repressed emotions and stress then the time of the year sadly 😦 But thankyou!

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