Rain & Tears

Today it rained. Fitting, my body is still very sick. I’ve been sick for over two weeks now. Still tying to get work from the doctor if I should be on antibiotics again or not. My mind has been well despite my overworked sick tired body. While not the best sleep, the medication insures that I actually sleep and has been very good for me. The demand for my training classed continues to grow so while I am tired at least I have work and ways to pay my bills. So sad that I’m sick but happy that other parts of my life have been smooth. Good friend Reuben has kinda turned into more. With the exception of Lorien I just don’t feel comfortable with people for very long. Somehow Reuben wormed his way in and has been a huge impact on my life. In the last couple of months I’ve taken major strides in bettering my self and I place a lot of it at Reuben’s patient feet; firmly but slowly showing me that not everyone is untrustworthy and that sometimes people can help when one doesn’t know what to do with the crazy emotions I have.                                                                  By being my friend while I try to find the role I need set for my brothers and Janna in life Reuben has seen me at some pretty high points and some not even worth mentioning low points and the back and forth skips I do yet he remains firm in his decision that I am a good person who is worth knowing and has lots to give EVEN WITH my problems. This is a new idea for me since somewhere I’ve been told or the idea pushed that “once” I fix myself I might be worth something to my family and society, but in till then I am just tragic example of what could be..  Somehow with Reuben in my life I find myself not just wanting but being the person I think Mom could smile at.

Reuben leaves soon for his new life in WA. Soon he will be another great friend that is time zones and worlds away. I’ve many. They are all truly amazing people who have helped here and there when least expected. They keep calling me back and answering the phones and send cards. If not for these great people I don’t know that I would have traveled the path I have thus far. Lorien Amy, Jenny, Annie, Barbara, Karen, Carmen, Cassie, Janet, Cousins, Aunts and friends of the family! And now Reuben. Sadly all are scattered around the world in their own journey and my interactions with them very limited. I know it is selfish to wish for me to live at least a little closer to the few people who can pull me through a darkness that most cannot. But it seems my path is usually dark and alone now. Maybe this is how needs to be so I can learn something I otherwise couldn’t. Deep down I foolishly hope this loneliness and despair will amount to something alive and beautiful.  But for now I am just sad.

“Words just cannot capture the depth of loneliness that sits in my heart waiting for when my body is sick, my mind confused and my soul tired so as to creep into my very bones with a pain both physical and beyond the body. If possible I would weep for the darkness in my own soul but I cannot summon the energy for even that.” That is my status on Facebook right now. Hopefully won’t worry people too much. My heart is heavy right now. Even the weather is oddly subdued and flighty. A friend I love is leaving. I try to I try but I can’t seem to find the balance to keep my stupid body healthy and going. My friends whom I care about deeply up here in AK all seem to be going through some trials of their own leaving me put out and drained. I don’t begrudge them in the least, I’m just already very tired emotionally. I feel that I am not useful for them since I am strung out in pretty much every way possible. I feel awful when Suzi comes through town and I can’t being myself to be social with both her friends and her so I don’t go out at all.  I often feel that I am not in touch with my brothers enough and that I am a bad sister.

Tonight it seems that everything has crept out and it feels that since I cannot cry the sky itself weeps tears of loneliness and grief much large then one person could possibly have.  I wish I could smile like Mom could. Reuben’s always saying I should smile more.

Writing in my room 🙂 ~ J

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3 thoughts on “Rain & Tears

  1. Joannie,
    i feel your pain…i’m not saying this because i want to say something but…you are not alone in feeling sad,depressed,heavy,dark,lonely……..i’ve had years of experience in this muddy waters…..and even still to this day..
    just because you are feeling different it doesn’t mean you are not worthy,a bad person or any of the sort..i know society thinks that because somebody is different they should be called this and that and treated a certain way…but FUCK THIS!!!!!!!!!……..
    no,i don’t think you are not worthy,actually,just the opposite……i think you are a very caring soul,gentle and beautiful…..and because you are very sensitive you feel a lot of pain to which a lot of people are numb because they r too scared to open up to or too indifferent to what is going on around them and in this world……don’t beat yourself up because your heart is bigger that almost everybody’s…don’t think you r not worthy because your soul is so deep it experiences feelings most people don’t even know they exist……………..people like you are special and i think you r born like this to go through this and lead other people out of darkness because u’ve already done this…..i think the darkness in you is trying to darken the light and blessing that you have so it never goes out to shine in this world but i think the pain that u feel is the path u have to go through in order to get better….society says that pain is a bad thing…no! pain is there to remind us that we r alive,that we r experiencing life…honestly,i feel pain every day because of different things and , like u said, i don’t wish it to anybody but what i REALLY don’t with to anybody is to be numb and don’t feel a thing…to me this is death…being a living dead…to me this is the most scarry thing…so why the hell u beat yourself up??????…..because you r an awesome spirit who has a long and hard path on earth?you know what?????the harder the path… the bigger the lessons…..the more your spirit grows…..
    i’ve been drawn to you and i always read and think over what u say and i always want to talk to you and on a deep level i know what u feel because i’ve been there…maybe not the exact same way but i know the feeling of deep pain…….and as i said…it is not a bad thing……..
    i’ll keep u in my thoughts and prayers and don’t u even think for a second that u don’t have support or love….
    and your mom…i’ve never met her….but ….why the hell do u think she isn’t smiling at u??????????????????????i bet u ANYTHING she is!!!!!!!!!!!u know why??????????spirits can see right through u and she can see through all this pain and heaviness how caring and strong u r(although u think u r not!)and i bet u she is very freaking proud of u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    i bet ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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