Some mornings…

Some mornings I wake up (if I ever went to sleep..) and the first coherent thought that runs through my muddled mind is ‘ugh why do I feel this way?’ My joints hurt. My back hurts. My head hurts. Thoughts of what the hell did I do last night? I recall yesterdays events. (sorry guys usually alcohol isn’t the reason) As my faulty memory tries to order everything into tangible strands it dawns on me. I went dancing. I went hiking. I did something physical is usually the result. Surprisingly enough dancing doesn’t usually make me feel this way even though I move a LOT. But walking on concert. That is a different story. Running ~ Every time I do it all the doctors who have said “no more running” come floating back to me..ah this must be why they said that, says that little voice we all have. I feel like fucking shit. And it’s not the pop an aspirin and put on some bengay kinda feeling. My muscles don’t register on the pain radar. In fact I’m in decent  shape so it’s not even a muscular thing. Its my bones. If you’ve broken something you might remember that bone deep pain. The one that just gnaws at you like a dog with a bone. You can’t shake it, you can’t push it aside and you can’t hide from it. Most people when that pain sets in are already at the hysterical stage of “I broke my arm” That is pretty much my pain a lot of the times. Its acute. Bone deep (it is my bones that are actually hurting) and it’s heavy. It’s enough to bring on depression that I managed to keep at bay with all the other shit in my life. It’s enough to make one question the life she has. That is how I ended up trying modern biology and seeing what the medicines could help with.  And it has made a huge impact on my life. It gives me the staying power to keep going, keep working, keep living when life on just a physical level hurts too damn much before adding in the rest.

For the most part I’ve moved on from the fact that I cannot run. that hiking up hill is easier for obese people than me, that I really can’t walk or hike with more than 10lbs in a backpack for any length of distance if I want to move tomorrow. I can still swim a mile within 6 minutes (5 minutes is what most competing female swimmers are expect to average) and dance (my style is very high cardio) for up to three hours without fully stopping.  Coming from a family of athletes means I still measure people in what they are physically capable of..including myself.  Someone tells me that walking a mile in under 10 minutes is impossible for them my first thought is dear god they’ll die soon… So when I think of myself of how I feel after walking/running home on concert I realize I’m really not much better. I feel like I am dying.. I have dark circles under my eyes from the physical pain alone. On days when my pain level is high, people ask me whose dog died from ‘air’ about me. I do all sorts of things to try to get myself through. Hot/ice baths (tons of Epsom salts – the people at Walgreen’s think I have a science project going..) lying in the sun if there is any to be found, stretching, yoga, meditation and anything else that might work. But sometimes that persistent feeling of my aching bones are so brittle that they will just snap out from under me. It pisses me off despite how much I accept it, how long it’s been around. People say things like; you should be grateful that you can walk at all after having broken all those bones, you are still you and healthy you’ve nothing to complain (my favorite one) in which I tartly reply that yes indeed I’m young can’t wait to see what another 20 years is going to do me (I can be a real bitch sometimes) and other thoughtless things that modern-day man can come up with. For the girl whose dream was to be a equine acrobat and do Ironman’s just because walking isn’t that awesome. Some days I’m immature and quite pissed about the hand I was dealt and the fact of after running a few miles or walking around town too long the next day I’m eating narcos just to get up for work. Just once I wish I could go into work like the other kids looking like shit from partying too hard the night before and not walking home. Today is one of those days. Soon enough I’ll be over my funk and the meds will have kicked in taking it down a few notches. But for now I just want to be free from all this.

 

~ J

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One thought on “Some mornings…

  1. Damn, anything I can think to say just seems useless and trite, so the best I can say is I’m sorry and I have great respect for you and I’m glad you don’t give up. Love you.

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