So in my brief bit intro of Alaska (the page with pictures) I write about my love of Alaska, my family’s love of the last Frontier and the all around interest that Alaska holds for me personally. I feel that I may need to elaborate on Alaska – particularly Anchorage as it is a true city and not some remote village where I wander the Tundra all day like some may think.
First off the job scene in Alaska is MUCH better than anywhere in the lower 48. When I decided that I needed to GET OUT of Tennessee and live somewhere else, I looked at many places to go. I knew one thing, it was going to have to be a city since that is where the jobs are, the doctors who may be worth at least their last name and any chance of a therapist that MIGHT be able to help me. I knew that a job out of nowhere, decent network of medical community and somewhere that had a club I could dance (one of the only things that could pull me out of the darkness at it’s worst) at would have to be a true city and not a town or village. My inner child wants to go to the mountains far away from people, crime, insanity and senseless acts and just be for the rest of time. Many people thought (including myself for a while) that I should retreat to nature to let her heal my soul a tiny bit so that I could live on. I want nothing more than to be in the woods. It’s safe, it’s home and there are no problems for me while there. But upon inner vision and much quiet thought of “where” I was and how I had to proceed forward so that I would be around for the future I found the answer was the exact opposite of what the majority of people need and would suggest. The answer was I needed to learn how to live with humanity, not hide away and visit once in a while.
Most people in this world (or at least America) need to learn how to BE. By themselves, be their-selves and find themselves. Most people need to reconnect with the earth. Most people need to spend some serious time in the woods. And most need to learn how to be alone. To be okay with who they are. To sit quietly and not think or be entertained but to be still on all accounts. Most people need a retreat to find their life’s hardest questions. I am not most people. I LOVE being alone. Outside feels like home. In the woods, my problems aren’t there. I sleep. I laugh. I live. It’s humanity that I have problems with. And being in the woods won’t help me learn how to deal with humanity. Being out in the middle of nowhere won’t help humanity in its crisis. Camping far away from people and living off the land won’t show my brother’s and sister that they can make it in this world (outside of the woods). Being in the cities, part of humanity is the HARDEST thing in life for me. That is where my work is. I am a teacher, everywhere I go I end up teaching. Often more than one thing, whether I planned on it or wanted to or not ~ I somehow always teach. If I am off in the woods writing and painting, I am not doing my life’s work; just writing won’t touch the amount of people that I will when I teach and certainly not in the same way. People who are already asking the sacred questions are reading what I write (or would). People who haven’t even thought to ask the sacred question will see me out and about doing my work among humanity (in the city/around people) and possibly be moved to ask ~ To be aware. By living the example I am more than if I were to retreat to the woods. Even if in the woods, I am healthy and happy and pretty much problem free. But I need to learn how to be as such among people so that I can be there for my family and in turn, the world.
Many people ask why I have to do this RIGHT now. Why not heal some and then be the person I should be… My answer for you is that there isn’t time. And when I tried to make the time, the world wouldn’t let me (I tried very hard more than once to just focus on myself). It’s been over two years.. time will not heal me. Running away and hiding in the woods will not heal me. Throwing myself into some meaningless job so that I can rest and travel after making tons of money will not heal me. Surviving was the challenge. Living is the goal. A being who thrives is the dream. I survived (and continue to). I sometimes live (when I am truly me) and fight for the right to; even when the darkness of the world and ultimately my mind try’s to take life away.
This is why I live in Anchorage instead of a quant village where I could just be. Being in a city means I HAVE to confront the things I cannot handle and fears that plague me. By being in Alaska, I still have the connection to the wild. To the woods. Alaska won’t let me forget Earth in her true form. Other cities may have more power in drawing me into the darkness of humanity and ending with me forgetting the truth. But even in a city; here in Alaska a Caribou lives on main street. I won’t forget while I strive to find the inner balance I need to be part of humanity.