Small steps

I had a beautiful day. While though I was at work for most of the day, I got out and drove south to the foothills to visit some family friends. The sky was blue, the sun drifting into the set position and the mountains bold and beautiful. I had a good day because I somehow managed to not die while falling asleep driving the night before. I had a good day because a manager who finds something wrong with everything everyone does at work didn’t find anything wrong with my training classes (or not yet anyway) that were audited today. Mostly I had a good day because I was working and wanted to work, I got to dance the night before and saw the sun rise. My joints hurt like hell, I haven’t been sleeping and I still am not quite sure what this living situation is going to be. But I refused to let those nasty details be my whole day. I’ve a feeling my day with the dentist (which is happening sometime this week) will be cause enough to have a bad day (dentists and I, we don’t see eye to eye..). So I had a good day, even though I hardly talked to anyone outside of work, only got to eat once and worked most of it. I’m proud of myself for this, maybe some people think this is sad but I am content with my small achievement.

I can’t sleep even after a good day. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever really sleep again (without the help of a substance).. I haven’t slept properly since the trial, Brad dumping me and realizing that at my weakest point in this whole retched scene that not only could no one pick me up off the floor of my hell to give me comfort, they said no to my plea for help and told me I had to learn how to be by myself. I can see that this might be morbidly fucked up but from consistent experience it’s sadly true (at least for me it is). I am under no illusions that people might come through and help me. When someone does lend me a hand I view it as a surprise gift. I never expect it and don’t include it in my routine. Anytime I get comfortable with ANYONE I’ve had in my life (okay not Lorien ~but that is why she has the only title of best friend) something happens (whether on purpose of their doing or just shit in general) and I’m thrown to the curb (s0metimes literally) and life slaps me upside the head reminding me that I cannot count on or factor anything  but what I can do for myself in that moment. Otherwise I will be left in the dust (or ice as it is Alaska..) wondering how I will handle this mess I’ve found myself in.  A good day is small step in the challenge I find myself in. But I’ll take it  even on sleepless nights like this.

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4 thoughts on “Small steps

  1. JOANNIE –

    Yay for the beautiful day! No complaints from the manager yet today. And you have a best friend. I’m so glad that you have a best friend! Enjoy!

    – ZOE

  2. Lol, I was reading the bit about how “no one comes through for you” and what not, I was about to get insulted, when you mention my name, okay, I’m happy now. 🙂 And I love that you had, not only a good day, but a beautiful day.

  3. I am glad you had a beautiful and good day as well. If I could be up in Alaska, I would be there for you in person versus via e-mail and Facebook. I think that you are very talented in anything you set your mind to, and I think any manager would have a very difficult time finding anything to be wrong 🙂 As for sleeping, I’ve tried a number of different things myself. But sometimes, even with being very active and taking sleep meds, I still can’t sleep. If I ever find a solution that actually works all the time, I will definitely pass it along.

  4. I feel like this sometimes. Like I can’t depend on my family and friends to be there for me. Heck, I’m so crazy I think Lorien won’t be there sometimes. I just read all your blogs this morning because I finally found the link 😛
    I’m not “supposed” to try to hook my friends on Louise Hay like I am, but she’s AMAZING. Anytime something happens in my body I pull out my book and go to town reading the affirmations, releasing my emotional shit, and just loving myself. I truly believe in her philosophy. You can *listen to me telling you what you can do :P* but you can take medication and I hope that you live pain free ❤ But, that pain is inside for a reason, Other than prior injury. I just ask you to see if you can experiment with Louise Hay and see how it works for you ❤
    Its changed my life for the better and I feel like I'm walking around in new skin. I no longer want to kill myself, I no longer guilt myself for being me, I've released the past and all the resentment I had. I feel like this was my second chance at life. I send you light and love, no matter if you do it ❤ I hope you feel better and that blue green lights on its way 😛

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