State of living

Well I am officially out of the apartment I was renting. There were many things I didn’t like or enjoy about it but could deal and live with. Now the cats messing on the bathroom floor (and me being the one to clean it up) and the amazing amount of dust and mold from utter lack of cleaning and overall condition of the living space on the other hand I cannot live with (as more than two doctors informed of) since I was sick pretty much the entire time I lived there. I continue to be unpleasantly surprised at how much drama people insist upon for NO reason. My ex roomie is of the mind that I ruined her life by giving her two weeks notice and leaving the place cleaner than when I moved in as I moved out… How that works I do not know and at this point could care less. Anyway I am back to ‘where will I live’, ‘where will I stay and how am I going to make it happen?’ I’ve plenty of places to go in the short-term and the long-term I’ve no clue but working a few angles. But maybe I don’t need long-term ( ??? ) Maybe I should downsize the stuff that I have and just accept my nomadic lifestyle. I mean who needs a home? I haven’t had one for over two years now.  The safest most home-like  feeling places I’ve stayed at was in a tent in the woods of New Jersey, A shelter along the AT trail (in the middle of a snow storm) and sleeping in the barn with the horses. Room in a house, hotel rooms, apartments, couches, floors..they all feel the same whether mine, good friends, family, or someone I hardly know. Even if I’m paying rent and totally up to par and not bumming. It all feels temporary, NOT mine, that I don’t belong and need to move on. That I could be kicked to the curb at any moment (and I have been!). Some people can make me feel a little more welcome than others, but still! I’d rather not stay until I’m not welcome anymore.. I’d rather sleep in my car on the side of the road than be some at a place where I am not wanted. Having someone stay over when you don’t want them is very alien to me. At my house friends, family, friends of friends, pretty much whoever..were all welcome and just “made” a part of the family. Yea you might get told “hey don’t drink all the milk” but you got treated like everybody else. Over the years I noticed that this type of familiarness is not comfortable for some people and they didn’t like that everyone just “did” what they wanted. It wasn’t uncommon to go downstairs in the morning and go “who is that on the couch??” Or when a way led college kid showed up on our doorstep one day, she was given a couch..for four months. I’m not saying it was easy or always a cut and dry way of living. But everybody belonged if you wanted too. No body was ever made to leave ‘just because’. I know what it feels like to be somewhere and not have the undercurrent of ‘it will be so much nicer when she leaves’ and ‘I just want my life back’. So while I do not begrudge those who are not so comfortable with space sharing, I know when they don’t want me there and desperately do NOT want to be intruding. As I already stated, I’d be way more comfortable sleeping in my car. Again I have thoughts of maybe I don’t need a place. Maybe being a nomad is what I need to do right now. Either way I don’t have a home..somewhere ‘safe’ and comfortable. And speaking of ‘safe’ it’s not nearly as straightforward as many people would think. For me (right now at least) no where and I mean NO WHERE feels safe. I’m told it’s part of the whole PTSD and trauma deal. I don’t particularly care what it’s from, it’s there and I’m more interested in how to make things easier. Just try thinking of this; wherever it is you go to deal with the things you can’t deal with, to cry when you can’t hold it in, to sit and think, to try to find some peace, some balance, to SLEEP. That place could be your bed that has your blanket that is comfortable, your pillow that you know it going with you, you favorite chair, spot in the house, WHATEVER it is you do and where you go when you feel alone and small and that things are too much. That place of quietness and not being bothered. That place that feels half way safe. Now take that all away. The objects that make places yours, the space, the quietness, the safeness and familiarness. That’s what my “usual” state of being is. So when I say things like, maybe I don’t need a place and should just go camping for the summer, I’m saying it because I’m going to be in that constant state of wariness and question anyway. So I might as well actually live that way. Would be cheaper. Lot less drama. I wouldn’t be intruding or being a burden. And I’d have a hell lot more control over when I move and where I stay. Just some thoughts I’m tossing around.

 

 

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One thought on “State of living

  1. I think camping for a large part of the summer could be really cool. Although it’d be nice if you could find a place to stay for more than a few weeks or a month that actually worked out!

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