Words can be so full or so empty. A person can say something to you, and when it’s from their heart the words are often priceless, they touch us at our very soul and when doubt creeps in those simple but-true words from a friend or loved one can blast away those little demon thoughts that plague us. Words can connect us, tell us we are not alone, that we are loved, felt and heard. When used with awareness words can tell us the very thing we all need; that we are SEEN and someone emphasizes. That we are real and this is really happening. I don’t know how it is for people without PTSD, maybe the need to be heard, seen and reassured that ‘this’ IS reality isn’t very strong or perhaps it does not exist at all. But from the discussions I’ve had with others who have suffered at the hands of PTSD or something along the lines the need to be seen is huge. The need to be heard and LISTENED too is overwhelming. Sure lots of people say “talk to me, I’ll listen” but what often happens is they need to say something to ‘help’ even when they don’t know what to say. While their hearts are in the right places these wonderful friends and loved ones I cannot usually talk to beyond ‘this is whats happening’ and get shut down by their helpful ideas.. And more commonly here of late, people can’t truly hear what I have to say (at least not in person). It’s too much. They cry, they pray RIGHT there for me, they mutter nonsense words of what happened and what can we do? I understand and do not begrudge them that the pain is too much for them to hear, to witness or carry for even a moment. But I cannot forget and go back to my life as the rest can, because this IS MY LIFE. This pain? These thoughts? These horrid memories? It’s all MINE. I can’t get away from it, I can’t change it, I can’t forget, deny (I’ve tried-just comes around and bites me in the ass) or pretend that it’s not mine. I don’t have the space, the ability or the luck to not have all this pain. I know that I have tons and tons of happy amazing stuff too. That’s usually pretty easy to share, people love that shit. It’s the darker stuff that no one wants to know about or see.
The words that people say to me are bitter-sweet. So many people are moved to say something, and it’s sweet, so sweet. But then their actions begin to speak, and their words change and the sweetness is fighting with the bitterness of reality. I cannot begin to tell you how many people have offered me something, their ear, their shoulder, their couch or something that I may need. But so few mean it, and even fewer follow though. Again I don’t begrudge these friends and family (sometimes even strangers). I understand that I really am too much pain and despair for a person to take on. But I do wish they wouldn’t say those empty words. I wish they wouldn’t be nice to me and let me think everything is okay then bam I can’t do this, I can’t listen; I’ve changed my mind. And for the love of everything it would be nice to know and not play the guessing game of whats going on! The knowledge that I am alone is fine, it’s the illusion that I’m not and the reality that I am the breaks me every time. Here of late it’s not the PTSD problems that has me in tears. It’s not what I’ve lost. It’s not how far away I am from my best friend, my siblings, my horses and things that I know that have me in despair. It’s not how unfair the world is, how mean my manager was today or how nasty a customer was. It’s not how hungry I am or the fact that I’ve been sick for months at a time. It’s so small, so simple, I cannot help but wonder why in the grandness of my pain that such little things as words could cause me to break. But they do, they empty ones tear me apart and the ones of truth give me reason to go on. I don’t understand how this can be such an impact on life, but for me it is. Maybe this why I am weak, because people have the power to break me with simple words not backed up by actions. I don’t want to harden myself to everyone’s words because that is not living. I am not naive or lack understanding so why do I keep having this battle? Why do people keep giving me empty words? Mine are full, mine are real. I mean what I say, I think (often days) before I say something and I try to clear up any misunderstanding as quick as possible. Am I the only one who sees the beauty in truth and the agony in ignorance?