So some of you may have heard that I had found a room to rent (instead of couch surfing) for short term a few months ago. Well it’s quite short term. To sum things up there are many reasons why I am not staying but the last straw is not only am I STILL sick, I now have strep. Upon talking to more than one doctor it was decided that between the pot and the cat feces I cannot stay here any longer (which makes sense because I haven’t not been sick since I moved in almost 3 months ago..). So I’m back to room hunting only this time I’ve car (thankfully!) and am battling strep (okay not the best way to introduce one’s self but what can you do?). So please insert positive thoughts here for Joannie to find a semi clean and fairly stress free place to live! Even short term..
It’s been quite the adventure here in Alaska, I am thinking I may have write about it in great detail soon (maybe I’ll turn it into a book one day). I am committed to staying with my job for a minimum of a year (And I will go snow boarding before I leave dammit!) otherwise I have no plans for how long I am staying and where life will take me. I have learned quite a bit since living here and continue to do so everyday. Ironically I’m learning a lot more about life than myself but maybe that’s what I need. Maybe self realization isn’t what I need to focus and learn (which seems odd to me because the whole world has a alarming deficiency with inner vision) right now. In fact as I write this sentence this statement has become more true for me. I have spent so much time with just me and myself, the time now is for me to learn how life is with me in it and not watching it from afar or off in my head doing my own thing. So this lesson of life, the everyday little things and how to find not just the fabled peace but rapture in the moments that are joy and to let go the dark ugly ones just as easily as they come, this is my focus. Happiness cannot be had if sadness does not exist. On days that I cannot experience one emotion and try as I might cannot figure out why, that my mind is stuck, as frozen as cold stone and will not be moved. I look into the darkness instead and it readily comes pouring out. Later I can smile again, I and realize that by accepting the darkness, the pain and despair. I can experience the joy when it chooses to grace me. The line “just be positive” and the idea that we should only be happy annoys me greatly. Happiness is like joy and anger and sadness. It is all emotion. It ALL comes AND goes. we can’t stay in just one. I also am greatly annoyed by the thought that we should have no emotion, that we should transcend above it to find “peace” (often a Buddhist prospective among others) and freedom. Emotion is one of the things that makes life LIFE. To deny it is to deny a part of life. To much of anything is fatal.
At the moment too much indoor cat and pot is killing me. So I’m moving. I’m changing the environment and going into the unknown to find something different.